My story started pretty simple. I grew up in a loving Christian family, got baptized when I was eight years old, and started to take my faith much more seriously starting around the time I was thirteen, but things in my life quickly became complicated after that.

My dad had been unemployed for a while, and his best option for work was five hours away from my hometown. We thought about moving, but my family wanted to make sure the job was the right decision first, and my older sister wanted to finish her senior year of high school with her friends. So he left, while the rest of us stayed. The years passed, and we still didn’t move. My dad only came home for a few days, and only once every month or two. My parents remained married, but their relationship was noticeably tense and my own relationship with my father was hurt. Every time he came home was like a race to show him everything I accomplished before he became consumed with work again. I never felt he didn’t love me or anything, but I did feel a bit rejected. He remained in Minnesota through the time I graduated four years later.

Around the same time my dad left, my mom became ill. One day my sisters and I were waiting for her to come home, and instead of her walking through the door it was a police officer, saying she had a car accident. I was then told that my mom had epileptic seizures…she had this condition her whole life and never told me about it. My world was shaken, and it got worse. I was doing yard work with my mom one day and decided to go in early while she finished. Hours passed, and I never noticed she didn’t come back inside. My sisters were worried and wanted to look for her, but I was busy texting my friends and insisted she was fine. But then I felt bad, so I went outside. The first thing I heard was my sister scream, like I was in a horror film, and to this day witnessing my mom’s seizure is one of the scariest things I’ve ever seen.

Somehow, my mom has had unshaken faith in God through her illness, always believing He will protect her, and I believed the same. I trusted Him to care for her, and for me in my own struggles. What I couldn’t believe is that I could be forgiven for leaving her outside by herself. She could have died, and I firmly believed it would have been entirely my fault. I chose to be selfish and text–of all things–instead of helping her.

For the most part I was able to keep my reliance on God strong through these trials, so I was eventually able to forgive myself, remain happy, and praise God. However as I moved through high school I began to put too much of my personal value in other people. I found my self-esteem in friendships and relationships, and so when anything went wrong in those relationships I quickly became depressed and began to make compromises in my faith. Now that my relationship with God wasn’t central in my life, I started feeling like I was unforgivable for my mistakes once again, like I let God down and couldn’t come back from that. I began to experience panic attacks, and that’s when I discovered Psalm 34:17-19:

“The righteous cry out and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all.”

It hit me hard because I realized that He wasn’t condemning me for my mistakes, and instead He wanted to help me get past them–even if I hadn’t forgiven myself yet, He already had. I began to see Him work in my life in new ways, helping me experience real joy and realize that my worth is in Him, and that’s an identity that can never be changed or taken from me. Plus, I started to see others in new ways. I began to forgive the people who hurt me, I saw value in people I would’ve quickly judged before, and I began to genuinely care more. I then found Cru right away in my first semester of college, and I developed Christ-centered relationships, and the sense of community I feel there has helped me remain strong.

I’m still not fully healed, I still have some serious struggles with anxiety, I still haven’t let go of every grudge I have, I still have doubts about myself, but things have changed. Things have changed because now I can fully comprehend how He loves: He loves us regardless of our faults, He loves us through our pain, and He loves us even when we don’t love Him back. I wish more people knew about His love, because with Him everything changes, and it’s beautiful.