Approval, love and acceptance- these three things are not inherently bad; however, with time they took control of my life.

Even as a child, I strove after gaining these things from the world. Whether it be through getting good grades, achieving in sports, being the first person to lend a helping hand, or simply following every rule in the book, I aimed to gain everyone’s approval. For the most part, it worked, but I did not realize the true impact that this was having on my life.

Before I truly knew Christ, my life was draining. I felt as though I was constantly being watched, and that I had to live up to a certain standard, one that I could never reach. I was raised in a Christian home, one that attended church anytime that the doors were open. I even went to Christian school for the first 14 years of my life. At the age of 5, I was baptized, but not because I truly understood and believed what Jesus had done for me, but instead because my friends thought it was cool, and I sought to gain their approval. I continued to do all the Christian things, like praying, reading my Bible and going to Bible study, not necessarily because I wanted to, but more so because I knew it was the right thing to do, plus, all my friends were doing it.

When I was 14 I finally understood, and decided it clicked, and I officially declared my belief in the knowledge I had been taught my whole life to be true, so I accepted Christ as my Savior. I finally fully understood what His death on the cross meant for me; however, I honestly can’t say that the truth of His love completely transformed my life. I still lived in doubt and fear. As an achiever, I feared that I had not accepted Jesus “the right way” and I was scared that He did not truly love me or accept me as His child. I struggled with this internally for many years, afraid of telling those around me, assuming they would think that I was silly for having these thoughts, so instead, I buried my fears.

As you might be able to see through what you’ve read so far, I was a performer, and I still struggle with this on a daily basis. Thankfully, my freshman year of college I finally broke, and realized that I alone am truly not enough. Upon starting my Freshman year at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, I had one goal: to be accepted into Nursing School. To me, this meant I had to obtain perfect grades, get involved on campus, and build my resume so that I could be the “best” candidate. I started getting involved in church and Christian organizations on campus, but I didn’t fully attempt to connect and truly get to know those around me. As the semester started to get busy, the first things that I dropped were the Christian organizations, and before I knew it, the only things I did was study, work out occasionally, and attend church on Sundays. Needless to say, by the time winter break came around I was completely burnt out. When I looked back on that semester, I realized I hadn’t done as well as I had hoped academically and that I could count the amount of friends that truly knew me on one hand.

I knew going into second semester, something had to change, and that is why I decided to get involved with Cru. I still remember the first time that I went; I was astonished by the love these people had for Jesus and for each other, and this was something I wanted in my life. I got involved in a Bible study, and with time, God started chipping away at my hard shell of worldly acceptance, and He showed me that His good news, the Gospel, not only applied to me when I accepted Him as my Savior, but forever. I remember halfway through the semester, my Bible Study leader encouraged me to attend Women’s Retreat, and it was there that things started to click. I remember as the senior girls did their panel, someone asked about how they balanced being successful in school and their relationship with God. What one of the girls said in response changed my life forever. She started to talk about doing her best, but more importantly, she talked about God’s grace. Grace: God’s riches at Christ’s expense. She explained how throughout her college career she came to the realization that God did not call His children to be perfect, and that it is okay to not be okay. He sees us as His perfect creation, no matter what we have done, and if we have chosen to accept His Son as our savior, He sees us not as broken, but as whole, loved individuals that are His children. Once I let this truth sink into my life I saw my life in a new light. I realized that I am not good enough, and I will never be good enough, but God is. He has done the hard work, and now He is standing with open arms waiting for me to come to Him, so that I can fully experience the love, grace, peace, and acceptance that only He can offer.

When I fully accepted this as truth in my life, the stress, fear, and worry that constantly dictated my everyday no longer had priority in my life, but instead the truth that God loves me and is using me did. This realization changed my perspective of those around me, and I became okay with sharing how I was really doing. Through this, I have been able to experience the power of true community, one that accepts all of me, the good, bad, and ugly. It is through this community that I have found these past 3 years, that I truly experience God’s love, for the love and acceptance and forgiveness that they show me on a daily basis is but a glimpse of how much God loves and accepts me as I am.

I don’t want you to believe that after I had this realization I no longer am struggling with seeking the approval of others; I still do on a daily basis. But now that I am seeking to deepen my understanding of God’s character, I can turn to Him. Along with this, I have my community to point me back to the truth that God is enough, even when I am not. I hope that you too can experience the truest love and joy that I have experienced, not because of what we have done, but because of what Jesus did for us, completely out of love. When we choose to accept this free gift, we are not seen as broken people, but as children of God that are worthy, whole, cherished, and fully accepted.

Ephesians 3:16-19
“I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide, and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge–that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.”