When I was 6, I decided to accept Christ as my savior. I didn’t totally understand the forgiveness that decision offered me, but I was interested in learning more about Jesus at a young age. Despite putting my trust in Jesus, by the time I was 12, I developed full-blown anxiety and depression. Nobody knew about it but me. I completely isolated myself and rarely spent time with friends. God still had a presence in my life, but I didn’t understand the freedom He was offering me. As I spiraled further into depression and ever-increasing anxiety, the thought of suicide as an escape became ever more present in my life. I was tired of not feeling like I could live up to anyone’s standards and that I was a failure.

One day in February of 2013, I noticed my Bible sitting on our kitchen counter. I randomly opened up and put my finger down on a page to 2 Timothy 4:7 which says “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith” and it became my hope and reminded me of the purpose Christ gives us- to be obedient to Him and share the gospel with people of all nations. I decided to recommit my life to following Jesus, not just believing in Him. I started with prayer and reading my Bible daily.

However, once it became summer, I fell away from my discipline once again. I was drug back into my sin and started developing social anxiety again. From 8th-11th grade, I would read my Bible occasionally. I stopped going to youth group and devoted my attention to worldly things like social status, relationships, and academics. I thought that since I had fallen away from my pursuit of God, I wasn’t worthy to come back and thought He would punish me. So I ran. I didn’t understand how He could possibly forgive me, so I kept running. I didn’t want His forgiveness because I knew I didn’t deserve it.

In my sophomore year of high school, I began a relationship with someone who was not pursuing Christ. He was my “dream guy”- athletic, kind, well-liked, and funny. In that relationship, I started crossing physical boundaries that I had originally set for myself. I convinced myself it was fine because we were dating and it wasn’t “that bad”. I knew that God designed sex for marriage so I didn’t struggle with resisting that, but there were other physical boundaries I still crossed, knowing the Lord was calling me not to. I didn’t tell anyone, and once again, I felt isolated me in my shame. Eventually, my boyfriend came to pursue Christ and we both began respecting physical boundaries. However, the shame from the boundaries I had crossed was crippling and what came of it was fits of rage and misplaced anger. I thought God would be mad at me and could never accept me. I didn’t truly grasp what Jesus’ work on the cross and what it truly meant to accept His sacrifice. I thought I still had to perform well to gain salvation subconsciously. I continued to reject God’s grace in my life.

My senior year of high school, I decided if I wanted to be obedient to God, I would have to know what He is asking me to be obedient to. I knew being obedient to God produces blessings, but I also wanted to know more about God in general. I started a Bible devotional plan to complete reading the Bible in 365 days on January 1st, 2018. It sometimes felt like a chore, but God produced discipline in me through doing it daily. By opening the door for Him to speak to me, He transformed my desires to match His and I willingly began handing over the parts of myself that I was holding back from God, in exchange for His truths and promises.

I really spiked in my spiritual growth once being at college. I was filled with the joy that comes from knowing Jesus personally. I look for ways to further serve God rather than myself. I ended my relationship with my boyfriend because I knew it had become unhealthy and wasn’t pushing me closer to Christ. God used me surrendering that relationship to give a greater focus on seeking His Kingdom. I poured out more into my Christian community along with the greater community around me because I want others to find the same redemption and amazing hope that I have and experience all the blessing, love, and goodness God wishes to bestow on each of us.

However, even with all my growth and fruit I was producing for the Kingdom of God at college, I still didn’t understand forgiveness. I still thought my good works were gaining me God’s favor subconsciously. It was after making one thoughtless, rude comment, God answered my prayer to help me understand His forgiveness. I finally realized that no matter how much I want to be good and do good, if I am relying on my own efforts, I still fail. I still say stupid things. I still hurt other people. At first, I lamented over the fact that I wasn’t good enough to fit the perfection Christ is and that I wasn’t capable of living with Him out of my own efforts. But then something clicked. I finally understood the Gospel- the reason God sent Jesus to Earth to live a perfect life, die on the cross, and be resurrected to victory is because I can’t save myself. I need a Savior. Then I understood the hope Christ offers: if I truly believe that Christ did those things and that He is enough to save me from the wages of my sin which is my spiritual death, through my belief in Him I am forgiven and free. I experienced at this moment what I had been told for years: that God’s grace is sufficient to cover my wages of sin, and that Christ’s power is made perfect in my weakness. So rather than pretend I am perfect and run away from God when He already sees all my mistakes, I can run to His forgiveness and turn away from the shame of my mistakes.

I finally understood what Christ was saving me from. He wasn’t angry with me, He just wanted me to accept the victory He already was holding over my shame, mistakes, and sin. So I said yes to His grace and haven’t looked back since. Christ died for me on my worst day, not my best day. There’s nothing I can do that will bring me my own salvation or make Christ love me more- there’s nothing I can do to deserve His death and resurrection, but yet He freely gives it, asking us to take hold of it. So I surrendered to Him- for it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me.