I just wanted to be loved. Everything I did, I did because I wanted to be wanted and belong. I thought that if I was perfect- getting good grades, being the best in my hobbies, being kindest friend- I would somehow earn the favor of my peers and my family. I thought the more that I did, the greater the affection for me would be. I lived in a state of constant frustration because I couldn’t figure out how to be enough. No matter what I did, I always failed. I was unbelievably self-critical and ultimately ended up feeling desperately alone.

When performing perfectly didn’t make me feel more loved, I thought that the more I could connect with people, the more loved I would be. I dated a guy just so that I could be satisfied and “never alone.” I strove to be everyone’s closest friend, but this just made me feel worse. I always felt left out, and insecurity brewed within me. My life became a balancing act between perfect performance and being the best friend to all. I thought that if I could somehow love everyone and do everything, I would be enough. Then, and only then, would I actually be loved.

The summer after my sophomore year of high school, I went on a mission trip with a local church. I was shown a never-ending, devoted, all-in kind of love in the form of Jesus Christ. Up until this point in my life, I had heard of Jesus and was briefly involved with youth groups, but I did not know this good news. On this trip, I learned that Jesus Christ died on the cross for my mistakes and failures, so that God could have an intimate relationship with me. I was told that I would always be wanted and always loved… I would always belong. God would be proud of me in all ways and in love with me always. I didn’t have to be perfect or the best in order to be wanted. The connections and relationships I had with people could not compare to the abundant love and grace I could experience in a relationship with Jesus. A few days after the trip, I was talking to God and I told Him that I needed Him. I told Him that living my way was getting me nowhere. I asked Him to be a part of my life, and I decided that I no longer would live in control of my own life. Instead, I would follow Jesus.

Since that mission trip, following Jesus has not always been easy. I have fallen back into that perfectionist mindset time and time again. I constantly think that I can earn the eternal life that God offers me. I try to earn God’s affection. Each time I fall into this sin, I am tempted to believe the lies that the amount I am loved comes from the amount that I do. Through all of this, though, God reminds me of His immense love and grace. He overwhelms me with His blessings and mercy. My life is not perfect. My life is not “successful” in ways that the world defines success, but when I rest in the Lord, I am deeply satisfied. With God, I am never alone. With God, I am never a failure. With God, I am always wanted.