I grew up in a Christian home and attended a Christian school from kindergarten through eighth grade. At this school, I developed a good work ethic, and strong values that continue to help me succeed to this day. Despite my parents reminding me they wouldn’t love me any less if I failed, I strived to be perfect. I got perfect grades. I excelled in both musical and athletic extracurriculars, even winning multiple state championships in tennis. For the most part, I achieved everything I ever set my mind to. Though I would occasionally say half-hearted prayers thanking God for my success, I didn’t realize the depth of my need for God when everything was going so well.

My life turned upside down when I was denied acceptance into my dream school. I was so angry with God, but I asked Him for guidance anyway. I begged Him to show me what His plans for my life were, and why He didn’t want me to attend my dream school. All I knew was that God wanted me at UW-Madison for some reason, and I would just have to wait and see.

When I arrived in Madison, my anger had mostly dissipated, and I was optimistic about the upcoming year. I truly believed I could find happiness here, even though it wasn’t what I originally envisioned for myself. It wasn’t long before I lost this optimism. I found myself surrounded by people living a lifestyle I refused to take part of. Though I searched for Christian friends, I struggled to make any real connections with anyone, which left me frustrated, and incredibly lonely. Once again, I was mad at God. Why had He put me in this situation? I clung to my family for comfort, but everyone I loved felt so far away. I tried to focus on my studies, but the anger and the hurt still gnawed at me. Towards the end of the semester, the only thing getting me through the day was knowing I was so close to going home for break, a place where I knew I would feel loved. I just had to make it through the last couple of weeks.
With two weeks to go, I received devastating news. My pastor had committed suicide. Someone I had shared a meaningful bond with and had looked up to my entire life, someone who was there for the biggest moments of my spiritual journey, was gone. In the depths of his pain, he had taken his own life. I can’t begin to describe how angry I was at God. I couldn’t understand why He would allow such an awful thing to happen. I felt as though God had not only completely abandoned my pastor, but He had also completely abandoned me. I tried to turn to my family for comfort, but being away from home made this extremely difficult. I felt as though there was no one on my campus I could turn to for comfort either.

It was then I realized no amount of love from friends or family could provide me with the comfort I so needed in this moment. I could be as mad as I wanted at God, but only He, the God of all comfort, could give me what I truly needed. I still feel lonely when I’m at school, and dearly miss my pastor at times. Instead of being angry, however, I choose to feel joy in the reassurance that God has me wrapped in His arms, and He will never let me go.

2 Corinthians 1: 3-5 “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ.”