Loneliness and anxiety were two things that marked my teenage years. I was constantly living in fear over if people liked me or not, I ran conversations through my head over and over again, and it would eat away at my time. My junior year of high school, the feelings of loneliness were intensified, and with that came more social anxiety. I knew there were standards that I was going to hold myself to, but as I did that, many of my friendships that I found my identity in started to dwindle. My senior year, I found myself isolated- feeling like my mom was the only true friend I had- and I even believed that she had to be that for me because she was my mom.

I grew up going to church on most Sundays because I was told by my parents that’s what we do, and I wanted to obey my parents. It wasn’t until later in high school that I heard of a God who loved me and wanted a relationship with me. The pastor talked about how God’s love is so attached to us that we can’t escape us; He loves us no matter if we try to run away, if we sin, or if we pull away. His love remains unshaken. I was in awe that there was someone who love me unconditionally and whose love was always with me.

Coming into college, I decided to join a Christian organization on campus because I knew I didn’t want to drink and I knew these would be loving people who would support me in that decision. Second semester, I decided to go on a spring break trip to Florida with Cru called Big Break with the idea that I was going to learn how to share my faith with others on the beach. My first few days there, I was so frustrated with God that my social anxiety intensified. I would pray and pray, but I could never shake the fear I had.

One night, about halfway through the trip, we had a speaker come in and talk about Jesus. He talked through the gruesome details of Jesus’ death on a cross, and how Jesus endured this to save me and forgive my sins. I thought to myself, “How could Jesus love me that much that he would willingly go through all of this pain?” and I quickly became overwhelmed with tears in a way that I rarely ever do in public. I couldn’t stop the tears, and I went to go talk to a friend of mine to process through what I was thinking. I realized that if Jesus did this for me, and I believe this, I need to surrender my life to Him. That night, I prayed for God to take control of my life.

I felt joy in the assurance of knowing I was His and He was always with me. The feelings of loneliness and the anxiety didn’t go away completely, though. My sophomore year of college, I realized that my anxiety was leading to depressive feelings. I am still battling these things every day, but I now have a constant God whose truth and promise I can cling to. His unfailing love washes over me because of what Jesus did on the cross, and that is my hope.

“I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With Him at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because You will not abandon me to the realm of the dead, nor will You let Your faithful one see decay. You make known to me the path of life; You will fill me with joy in Your presence, with eternal pleasures at Your right hand.” Psalm 16:8-11