When I think of a phrase to describe my story I think of a roller coaster of seeking identity. The infamous and sticky word of identity. Who are we? When I was 3, I was adopted from Shenzhen, China and quickly assimilated into American culture. The parts of me that many may assume of me because of my looks were far different from the person on the outside. I avoided my culture, my story, and ultimately bullied myself in deep and hurtful ways. Now, growing up, I was fortunate to be brought up in a Christian household that introduced me to the Gospel at a very young age. My family and I attended church every Sunday and were continually seeking to love the Lord. In elementary school I went to a Wednesday night church club called AWANA. Here I dug into the Bible and was seemingly living a life for God. Although we memorized verses, spent time in Christian community, and served the community I really wasn’t devoted to the Lord. I wasn’t fully living in the light of Christ and turning from my sins. Fast forward to my middle and high school years I caved into the traps of perfectionism. I strove to be the perfect athlete, student, and daughter there could ever be. I put unrealistic expectations on myself and wanted to be someone that everyone else expected me to be. In the end, I lived unsatisfied and stressed beyond measure. I lived to impress rather than to serve. While my life may have looked “amazing” to my friends and aligned with the earthly desires like being on the Varsity team, having straight A’s, being fit, or finding my way into the “popular” group, it was actually filled with so much pain. This pain then led me to restricting my food intake and suicidal thoughts. Each day I lived a life that was guided by my desires, negative thoughts, and need to fit in. This thought process overcrowded rationale and ultimately my dialogue with the Lord. I went to parties, drank underage, and pushed myself to physical limits that were unhealthy leaving me dizzy, unhappy and ultimately so dead inside. While I was baptized as a baby, confessed giving my life to Christ in 1st Grade, my intentional walk with the Lord didn’t really begin until my Freshman year of High School. During the Spring time my mother encouraged me to go to a weekend retreat called TEC (Teens Encountering Christ). A three day retreat that was void of any electronics and distractions of the world. It was this weekend that I rediscovered and basked in God’s grace and mercy. Where I sat in His presence and was distracted by nothing. Simply living in the undeserved love and gift of grace that the Lord gives us. Weeping before the altar and confessing a life of sin, the Lord moved through me in a way I had never felt before. During the worship time at night, I remember stripping my vulnerabilities and crying to the Lord–telling Him all the pain and struggles and letting Him take them. At that moment, the presence of the Lord’s embrace was so strong. After this weekend my fuel for the Lord was fanned and I never wanted to live a life that was without the Lord. I wanted to be closer, deeper, and nearer to Him. I became more active in my church with the right intentions and wanted to learn more.

Now did everything change after reigniting the flame? Did I live an absolutely perfect life for the Lord? Of course not! I struggled, I stumbled, and I had to come back to the Lord time and time again. Repent of my sins & earthly desires to “find” my identity and receive the grace He always gives. As everyone can probably relate, college was a hurdle that I wasn’t quite ready for. My freshman and sophomore year of college were challenged the most as alcohol, bad influences, and insecurity crept in. Not to mention, the restrictions and struggles of the Covid pandemic challenged me and I was definitely living a double life. That even when I looked in the mirror I’d think who are you? What are you doing with your life? But the Lord had (and still has) a plan for my life as I served through BadgerCru. In Cru, I was challenged to be discipled, dig into the Word, and meet/know/love others on my campus…sharing the Gospel of the Lord to others. One of the most transformative experiences was when I got to go on a 5-week Thailand mission trip to Thailand, the land of smiles. A place where the people will make sure you are okay before they are. The place where I met some of the best people and friends that taught me how to trust the Lord with my life and the true power of the Gospel. The place that broke my heart so many different times and reminded me of our need to find rest in the Lord. While this place is seen as the “land of smiles” there’s still so much hurt and doubt. Such strong spiritual warfare that only 1% of the population here believes / even knows of Christ. But there is a light in Thailand. Although at times I may feel like I’m not equipped with the strength or knowledge,with the Lord’s guidance, we are. That the Lord will and can work through all of us. I can say without a doubt that it was one of the best decisions I ever made to go on this trip. The Lord broke me to remold me into a more servant and faithful follower of Christ. He showed me time and time again what it looks like to receive undeserved grace and know that it’s not us who does any sort of action or service to receive this. It is purely a gift of grace.

In the end, I am still a work in progress. I am still learning to fully live in the light of the Lord and continually confess. I am still working to not be distracted by the temptations of this world such as academic or work success.We are continually on this rollercoaster of emotions and challenges, but the one thing I do know is that I have a God that loves me, gives me so much undeserved grace, and redirects the lost to be found. I can rest fully in the love of the Lord and know that even when my flesh fails He will not. I can live freely, walking in the light of the Lord’s goodness & grace, knowing that my identity isn’t found in the things of this world, but rather in Him even when times get rough. I am a child of God and that’s the best identity I could ever have.