Growing up, I spent almost every Sunday in church learning about the love and saving grace of Jesus. Because of this and the impact it had on my heart, at the age of 7 I made the decision to accept Jesus as my Savior. My parents continued to encourage me in my faith as I got involved through church camps, mission trips and even the worship band. It truly was a faith of my own. I was fully aware of who God was and what He desired for me, however, I wasn’t yet willing to let Him have complete control of my life, especially as it got more complicated growing up.

As I grew older and started high school, I began to get distracted, putting my worth in if people liked me or not, especially guys. Though I had made a commitment to physical purity at a young age, I got into a serious relationship that led me to compromise what I knew was God’s (and my) desire in that area. Continuing into college, not dating anyone, I continued to seek attention from guys and focused a lot on being liked and accepted. I lived a double life, going to church and Cru with my Christian friends, but then turning to the party scene and acting in ways I knew were wrong because they were less than God’s best for me. I was half living the “Christian life” and half not. Because I knew that the ways I was acting were not at all what God desired for me, I felt a lot of guilt throughout my first 3 years of college. I kept most of my struggles a secret to my friends and family which was difficult. I felt lonely as I put on a front that I was doing great when really deep down I wasn’t at peace with myself and felt very distant from God. At the same time however, I was trying to grow in my faith. I even led bible studies and became more actively involved in Cru. I started to desire to live the way God wanted me to, but I still made a lot of mistakes and fell into more sin as I struggled to give complete control of my life to Him.

Over the years I have constantly believed the lie that I’ve done too many bad things for God and that I wasn’t worthy or as accepted as others because my sins were far greater. I wanted to feel close to God, but a lot of the time I felt distant because of the guilt and shame that had piled up in my heart. Thankfully, I was encouraged and challenged by my mentor to apply for a summer mission with Cru my Junior year of college. I had heard of summer missions all throughout my time being involved in Cru, but I always pushed the opportunity aside because I had my own plans. But by my Junior year, I was sick of living in my messy sinful lifestyle. I knew I had been failing the Lord over and over again and what I desired most was to have that solid relationship with Him and to live the ways He wanted me to. So with a lot of going back and forth I finally decided to give up other summer plans to pursue a mission in North Myrtle Beach.

It wasn’t until going to NMB that I found I was truly redeemed, forgiven and loved for who I was by God. My sins were not too great for the Savior of the world. Jesus took every single sin of mine- past, present, and future- to the cross. He lived the perfect life and died in order to save me so that I could live in eternity with Him and experience His love and grace here on earth. Within the first week in NMB, on May 30, 2018 I rededicated my life to Christ. I was tired of living for myself and pushing him away. I learned that Jesus is all that I need. He is the only One that I can put my worth in. He is what fulfills me. He is the One that can save. And His plans are far greater than my own. My past is my past and although it is a process to accept it, I know that God loves me with all of His heart and through Christ I am completely forgiven and cleansed of all my sin. His grace is the greatest gift I have ever received. He has transformed my heart and drawn me closer to Him.

I’m still learning day by day to continually pursue my relationship with the Lord. He is teaching me so many things about being obedient and faithful to Him. Although I might still struggle with feelings of guilt at times, ultimately I know that Christ has covered my sin and brokenness though His death on the cross. It has been amazing to see that He is using ME, a sinful and broken person who is now redeemed, to further His kingdom. I can’t believe that every day I get to pour into other women and share the amazing love of God that I’ve experienced!