My story… wow. What’s my word limit? I’ll do the best I can with the space I have here, but if you ever want to get a cup of coffee and hear more, let me know (I’d even skip lecture for it). That’s enough chit chat for now, let’s get started.

I grew up in Green Bay, Wisconsin and was blessed with a loving and supportive family. My parents truly care for me, and I have an older brother and sister who love me as well. I spent elementary and middle school at a Christian private school and things were great. I thought I was the coolest kid (though I was only comparing myself to the 5 other kids in my class) and that’s where I found my worth. I enjoyed going to youth group not because I was able to gain intimacy with God, but because it was a platform for me to boost my popularity.

In high school, a lot of insecurities started to creep up. Now this might be a little raw, but I was a little late to board the *ahem* puberty train, and I was painfully aware of it. I remember being in my freshmen gym class and seeing a guy who had a full beard, while I didn’t have any armpit hair. I started to question if I could ever really feel like a “man.” I started chasing masculinity through trying be friends with everyone and flirt with girls whenever I could. It was a strange limbo though. I would flirt with girls to feel manly, but I didn’t feel “man enough” or worthy enough to actually ask any girl out. Broken Masculinity.

Before my sophomore year of high school, I went on a missions trip that totally changed my perspective on God. We had a night where we talked about relationships and dating, and it was amazing. I saw how being a man isn’t about how charming or attractive I am, but how I walk with God. I went into sophomore year on fire for God. I spent the next two years of high school being the “nice guy” at school, and people knew I was a Christian. But, deep down, there were still things I had not given to God. I still wanted to be the most popular, the most attractive, the nicest, the funniest, etc. And I wanted it all for my glory, not God’s. I was following God out my own strength, and not relying on him. God doesn’t want to “tag team” life with us. He wants all of it.

And with relying on my own strength, I slowly became exhausted with God. It looked like I was missing out on “real” fun in the world. I would sit at the lunch table and hear guys telling their latest stories from the weekend and I would just think, “Why am I following God?” Ultimately, at the end of junior year, I had built up a lot of resentment towards God. It felt that I was putting effort into a relationship with God, and getting nothing out of it.

So, my senior year of high school, I decided to join in on the “fun.” I still went to youth group and thought about God, but I took any chance I could to give me glory and pleasure. I got involved in an unhealthy relationship with a girl, and it tore me up. I felt trapped. This relationship was my source for me to feel like a man, and I didn’t want to lose that, but I was ashamed of the things I was doing. I was trying to keep up my “nice guy” reputation, but live the life I wanted behind the scenes and keep it all a secret. I was living a double life. I would take long drives at night and just think about how I wish I could change how I was living – but I was stuck. After all, if a girl is attracted to me, I must be a man and have worth, right?

This lifestyle carried into freshman year of college and I got involved in the party scene at UW-Madison. I would go to the weekly meetings for Cru, a Christian student organization, on Thursday nights, but then party on Friday. Any time I partied, though, I never was satisfied. I was always searching for some sense of worth, but found the opposite. There was always someone funnier, taller, more popular there, and I quickly started to lose my sense of identity. I did not feel like myself anymore. For the first time in my life, I found myself opting to watch Netflix by myself rather than go out to a party. I knew I would just feel hurt and insecure when if I went out.

I remember being home over Christmas break and thinking, “I could delete every memory I have of the last 3 months… and I wouldn’t care.” It was then that I realized I needed something to change. I could feel God nudging at me. So, I decided I would try and get more involved in Cru the next semester. During my first semester, I was waiting for God to give me a big “epiphany” moment with him, where everything clicked and I didn’t have to put in any effort… but that’s not how God works. He’s at the door knocking, but we still need to take the step to open the door. We need to pursue God and give him the space to move.

There was a retreat the second weekend of the semester, and I decided to go. I don’t remember a lot from the retreat, but I do remember going through a booklet titled, “Satisfied?” That’s all. Satisfied? And it hit me. I wasn’t. I wanted something more. That retreat changed everything for me. I slowly stopped going out to parties and got involved in a Christian community. During the semester, I had a few close friends in Cru challenge me to go on summer-long missions trip to North Myrtle Beach. It was difficult for me to agree to go. What about money? What about friends back home? But I knew that if there was a place for me to truly come back to God and get real with him – it’d be on this trip.

Fast forward to May 26, 2017. It was my third day in North Myrtle Beach, and I was wrestling with God. We had spent the entire afternoon on the beach approaching people to share the Gospel – well, that was the intent. I chickened out the whole time. I was petrified to try and share the Gospel. I felt like I wasn’t worthy to share with anyone. I had my own baggage I needed to sort through, and honestly felt I needed someone to approach me on the beach rather than the other way around. At dinner that night, a Cru staff member sat down with me and asked me how sharing was, and I told him the truth. I didn’t share with anyone, I didn’t want to, I didn’t feel like I should, and I wasn’t sure if I even knew who God was. We agreed to talk more that night after dinner.

We met up and sat in lawn chairs on the dimly lit patio. He started off by sharing his story with me about how he came to know Christ. I then told him my story. All the details. All the doubts. All the dirt. God was moving this night. This man showed me the love of Christ that was so real. He broke down my story and talked about how he saw where a lot of roots are and themes throughout my life. He then shared the gospel with me – the same way we were supposed to share on the beach. Never more in my life had I wanted these truths to be real for me. Each point he made was another weight lifted off my shoulders. He then looked at me and asked if I wanted to surrender my life to Christ. On that night, with tear-filled eyes, I recommitted my life to Christ.

I spent the rest of the summer getting to know God again – authentically. I was able to hear his truths and have them mean more than just a Sunday School lesson. I was able to sort through my insecurities and let go of them and feel like myself again. It was so freeing to just rediscover who I was and the strengths that God has given me. I am finally able to embrace God and experience him in a way that is indescribable. Come near to God and he will come near to you.

I have been able to pursue God back at school and it has been amazing. I will not say life has been easy, but there has been a hope through it all with a pursuit of Christ. God wants 100% of us and I’ve been learning more and more that faith in Christ is not a complacent faith. It requires a daily surrender to God’s plan and not my own. God has given me life back – and I want to surrender it to him.