I’ve always felt like I’ve been in the in-between. Between having friends, between my faith, between my thoughts, actions, love, courage. I’ve always thought of myself as between being okay. I knew God. But did I really know Him? Did I experience being in His presence? Not really. This in-between behavior ruled my life. I’d go to youth group, camps, and church. I’d participate, but I still felt like I was living in the in-between. The scary thing is, I didn’t know at the time. I was watching what others did, and I followed. I didn’t have my own mind. I lived in the in-between. It was almost as if my life existed right before the sunrise. You know? That part where it’s kind of light, but you can’t see the sun yet. That part that is just waiting and waiting for that sun to come over the edge. But I was stuck there; stuck right before the sunrise.

Fast forward to high school, here I am experiencing what people are really all about. People are deciding where they want to go, what they want to do, who they want to be, identify with, fall in love with, follow. But here I am, still in that in-between. I’d have thoughts like, yeah I’m going to college, yeah I’m a Christian, yeah I have friends that I love. I thought I knew myself. There’s been a lot of talk lately about being true to yourself. I thought that’s what I wanted. To find myself. My identity. What’s my worth, what am I striving for, who am I? It wasn’t until later in high school that all of that, it was a lie. It was the world telling me that if I don’t find my true self, I’m no one. It was the world telling me that if I don’t make these decisions, if I don’t think for myself, I’m lost.

During my sophomore year of high school I was invited to a high school ministry. So I went. I went and you know what I found? I found people like me. That first night we were in Romans. Specifically around Romans 10: 15 which reads, “As written, how beautiful are the feet that carry the gospel” How BEAUTIFUL are the feet that carry the gospel. I heard that and stopped myself. It hit me. I thought about the in-between. I was definitely still in it at the time. A shift happened that night. I realized that I was very deep into the in-between. I was so caught up in it, that I didn’t even know myself. It was bad y’all, I felt like I legit wasn’t a person. Then I heard that verse. Romans 10:15. At that moment I realized maybe Jesus, the guy I kinda knew all my life, the guy that was always, you know, in the back of my mind, was always there. Maybe He’s worth it. Maybe He’s worth coming out of the in-between. That day I defined that in-between I’ve been living in. I defined it as a life set apart from Jesus. A life that isn’t worth living anymore. I realized, separated from him, I am nothing. I am that in-between. That life that is broken and separated. Another set of verses that spoke to me were Matthew 5: 1-11. The sermon on the mount. Talking about blessed are the poor, the mourners, the meek, those who hunger, thirst, the merciful, the peacemakers, and blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness sake. That took me aback. Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness sake. I thought, maybe people telling me how to live aren’t living the right way. The true way. I reflected on that for a while and came to the conclusion that I am blessed. Simple as that. I’m blessed and should kneel down for the one from whom I receive this blessing and grace.

So what does this all mean? Am I truly out of the in-between? In Christ yes. He pulled me from that state of mind and living and said I was made new. A new Dylan was born that day, one that never shies away from his faith, one whose identity is found in Christ and Christ alone. It wasn’t about me like what the world was saying. It was about him. Being brought out of living in that in-between taught me to love, encourage, and most importantly being the hands and feet of Jesus. This world nowadays is all about self. It’s dangerous. I believed I had to “find myself” in high school in order to succeed. Yet all along finding myself meant dying to self. It meant surrendering everything in-between to God completely. It means sacrificing everything I have to him. Completely. Born again, Jesus is teaching me how to do all that. I consider myself a very fragile person. I struggle with anxiety, maintaining conversation, and just being around people for long periods of time. But fragile, does not mean broken. I can choose to be broken and break myself, yell at myself, look down on myself. Or I can choose to be made new. One of my favorite songs, Ancient Of Days has the lyric “Though the dread of night, overwhelms my soul, he is here with me, I am not alone.” I think about that lyric a lot, especially when I feel myself slipping back into the in-between. That dread of night is very overwhelming. But even when I fall back into it, He’s there right alongside me.

So now, present day, here I am fully aware of what that in-between looked like and how it ruled my life. I still struggle (obviously). I find it hard to fit in sometimes, I have anxiety, lust, fear but all of that is slipping into the in between. What Jesus has done and what he is doing in my life is far greater than that. The people I’m getting to know around me have already helped me so much in my walk with Christ. To say that I did this on my own would be a complete lie. I mean we are all so different, it’s crazy awesome, yet here we are united for one reason. To praise our savior who died for us. That kind of love, let me tell you, is FAR greater than the in between.