I have always put so much focus on what people think about me. The judgement of others has for so long been my greatest fear. I grew up overweight, and being different from my classmates in elementary and middle school tore down my self-esteem as I got older and realized that difference. I was never outright bullied by other kids, but I did have a fifth grade teacher who told me, in front of the whole class, that she looked like me when she was my age, but that she grew up and was skinny now. I already had a poor self-image. That was the last thing I needed to hear as an eleven-year-old. On top of my internal struggle of self-acceptance, I didn’t have the easiest time with friendships in middle school. I spent many nights crying in my mom’s arms from the residual pain of harsh words or actions of my then friends. I started to see myself through unkind eyes and judged myself along with everyone around me. I lived under the assumption that because I didn’t see value in myself, neither did anyone else. No matter how much my family told me that they loved me, I couldn’t see past my reflection in the mirror.

High school was better, in terms of my outward display of self-confidence, but my identity was deeply rooted in the opinions of others- perhaps more so than it previously had been. I had grown up a little, lost some weight, removed myself from unsatisfying friendships, and pride found its way into my life. I constantly strived to prove myself, and show my classmates that the Andrea from middle school had risen above them. I was at the top of my class, my teachers loved me, and I regarded myself pretty high. I had successfully overcome the tough years of adolescence and I wanted everyone to be able to see that. Rather, I wanted everyone to think that I had made it through unfazed. Oddly enough, my high school GPA, leadership positions, or any other successes didn’t build high self-esteem or sureness of self. I still connected my worth to my physical appearance, and because I didn’t like what I saw, I didn’t see how anyone else could look past my appearance either. Inside, I struggled with anxiety, particularly in social situations. My mind always jumped to what people could be thinking about the way I looked. After conversations, I would obsessively replay what I had said, thinking about how it was perceived by the other person. And because I judged myself the hardest, I assumed the worst from others.
Before I started my freshman year at UW-Madison, I wasn’t sure how my faith would develop throughout college, and it wasn’t a huge concern of mine. I grew up going to church with my family, and had prayed a prayer to accept Christ as a young child- primarily as a means to go to Heaven someday. I knew about God, but I never fully understood the concept of having a personal relationship with Him. I didn’t know how to have that personal relationship, and I didn’t know why it was so important. I had gone through life knowing about God, but not truly knowing Him.

I started college and immediately all of the new interactions had me feeling more anxious than ever before. I was trying to make friends, but I couldn’t bring myself to be vulnerable or show my true personality. Meanwhile, I became involved in Cru, a campus ministry, and started learning about both the endless love of God and the personal relationship that God desires to have with me. After weeks of unsuccessfully coping with a perpetual anxiety, I began turning to God when I felt unworthy. It started with simple prayers for comfort, and as time went on, became a crying out to God to take away the fear that controlled me for so long. I remember lying in bed one night, shaking, tears streaming down my face, and being so angry that I had been believing the lie that I was not enough because of my appearance. It was in this moment that I finally let go of that lie and trusted in Jesus’ sufficient death on the cross to free me from the hold of sin.

After placing my identity in Christ, my entire outlook on life changed. I live for Him and Him only. I no longer have to meet my own standards to be worthy, because I know where my worth lies- not in my appearance, but in Jesus.

Growing in my faith for the last year and a half has not been an easy journey. I have wrestled with numerous doubts, questioned God’s character, worked through tough sins, and at times, have felt more uncomfortable than ever before. But that’s the point of growth. The challenging of my faith has caused me to seek truth and rejoice in it. These trials have pushed me to depend on God alone. Through difficulty, God has revealed to me his abundant grace, perfect love, and matchless glory.