Growing up, I had one identity to most people around me-the good girl. I went to church on Sundays, I followed the rules, I got good grades. But this label made me feel trapped, I was more than that one label and though my friends and family saw it, no one else seemed to.

Coming to college, I wanted to change that stubborn identity I was given. My mom encouraged me to find a Christian community similar to the one I had in high school. I dismissed her as I felt like I had no time between collegiate rowing practices and the new stress of college. I was tired of people seeing me in one light– a good girl– so I proceeded to desperately try to change who I was. I partied almost every weekend and was having fun meeting new people. I felt like I fit in. God no longer had a place in my life and I soon found my identity in being a fun person.

As second semester came around, my life was no longer my own or God’s I was trapped in a seemingly endless cycle of school and sports. So, I stopped rowing and had a lot more time to fill. A friend from my dorm encouraged me to go with her to Christian organization called Cru. I enjoyed it but I continued my weekend lifestyle, so I was living a double life. I felt like I couldn’t share anything with people on either side.

One night, I drank too much and the people I came with almost left without me due to the size of the group. I started bawling on the way home and knew that this would always be remembered as a bad night for me. The next day, I began to question why I was drinking, but instead of talking to someone or God, I kept these thoughts to myself. The school year ended and again nothing changed as I entered into my sophomore year. I felt more and more shame about the way I was living my life so I gave up drinking, only to find myself alone most Saturday nights. I hated the feeling of having nothing to do and no one to talk to, so I began to drink again. Guilt creeped in so I made excuses such as “at least I am a good person” and “there are worse sins out there” to make myself feel better. This lifestyle caused me to feel shame and regret instead of joy.

That semester, people unintentionally reminded me that God views all sin as the same and God forgives all sin the same. Ultimately, this truth about God’s grace caused me to center my life around God. I decided to give up drinking because I don’t need to feel accepted by the world because God created me and I am His precious daughter. I finally stopped regretting everything I did because it was in the past and it made me who I am today. I am freed from shame because Jesus lived a perfect life and died on the cross so I don’t have to. Looking back, I know that God was with me through it all, reminding me subtlety of His presence and of His love for me. I still struggle with temptation, but I know that God has my back and will help me when I am weak.