My story involves feelings and lots of them – feelings of uncertainty, of unworthiness, of being unwanted, and of never being good enough. These feelings ran wild in my head, day and night, and I couldn’t control them no matter how hard I tried. Maybe you can relate to this. My life has done a complete 180 since I met Christ, and I’m going to tell you how.

Growing up I was very hard on myself, and I just thought that was normal. I always had the feeling that I wasn’t good enough, I criticized every single thing about myself and over-analyzed every interaction I had. I tried to do everything right, but I still spent a lot of time thinking about how people perceived me. I joined every possible activity and club in high school, just trying to prove that I was good enough. It wasn’t until around freshman year of high school that I realized my friends did not put themselves down the way I did. That discovery led me to the realization that the only person I wasn’t good enough for was me.

Most of high school was spent way too deep in my own thoughts, and my mental health was really struggling because of it. I was anxious about every interaction I had, but the need to prove myself and be seen won out – that is until I was back in my room and spent the entire night thinking about all the ways I had messed up. I kept making new goals and telling myself that if I achieved them everything would be better, but the sense of happiness and accomplishment never lasted. This cycle continued and the hate I had for myself grew deeper and deeper but my anxiety had such a hold on me that I never tried to get help or even told anyone I was struggling. Things got very dark for me and there was a point where I thought about just giving up because it seemed that every time I got out of bed I somehow managed to make my situation even worse. I was at absolute rock bottom; I felt that I had nothing left to give and nothing worth living for. I thought there was no coming back from the place I had fallen to, and I was right – there was nothing I could do by my own power. I was about to be blind sighted by love more powerful than I could have ever imagined.

I grew up going to a church full of love and compassion for others, but I never really heard the true gospel or understood exactly what Jesus did for us; to me, going to church was just a thing we did on Sunday’s as a family. As my siblings and I got older and my family got busier, we started going to church less and less. When I got to high school, God was put on the back burner, and I would go days or even week where He would not even cross my mind. That started to change when my friend began to ask “do you want to come to church with me?”.

A relationship with God seemed awesome in theory, but I didn’t see how all these stories that were written down thousands of years ago could be true, or how a being I couldn’t see or touch could exist, or how God (if He did exist) could let me suffer the way I had. These were just a few of the many questions that came up as I started thinking more and more about Christianity, so I said no to the invitation week after week. Thankfully my friend was persistent and kept asking me until the day I realized I had nothing left to lose, and I had no idea that I was one “yes” away from turning my life around.

Walking into Eagle Brook Church I had my doubts, that is until the music started and I was in the midst of hundreds of people worshiping Jesus. It was something I had never before experienced and I was intrigued. Then came the message which, interestingly enough, focused on exactly the things I had been struggling with. The pastor spoke of how with Jesus you don’t have to be ashamed of being broken or being sinful, but that you can be made new again in a relationship with Him. One of the verses that stuck out to me and still remains in my mind to this day is Romans 8:1 – “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”. I remember thinking that there was no way it could be a coincidence that the first day I went to church the message was tailored to my exact situation and told me exactly what I needed to hear. I was so moved that when the pastor led a prayer to give your life to Christ at the end of the service, I prayed along. There was no voice that came down from Heaven congratulating me on starting my journey and no physical sensations to signify the decision I had just made, but for the first time in years, I felt happy and excited about something in my life.

The journey has been long and slow, but I stand here over two years later completely transformed from the person I was when I prayed that prayer. The way I think about things and react to them has changed. I remind myself that God loves me and has a plan for my life and that I can overcome anything with His help. I don’t stress over interactions and I am comfortable being myself, even around people I am just meeting because ultimately it doesn’t matter what they think of me, only what God thinks of me. I don’t feel like a failure when I get any grade lower than an A in a class because I know that, eternally, the letters on a piece of paper will not define me. I have a sense of peace when I think about my future and God’s plan for it instead of the terror that I used to experience.

I know that God loves me and that I would not be on this Earth without a purpose. I understand where the feeling of not being good enough comes from because I am not perfect and no one is. But, thankfully we don’t have to be because of the selfless, undeserved miracle that Jesus gave us when He died on the cross to pay the sins of my past, present, and future. It’s been a long time coming, but I know now that the hole in my soul I lived with for years was one that could only be filled by Jesus. And boy, has He filled it.

Even though I would consider the person I was two years ago to be a stranger, my life is still not perfect. As I tackle old issues such as stressing over every little thing to getting down on myself, new ones usually arise. This doesn’t mean that I am not a good enough Christian or that I have not done enough for God. He promises peace and love, not a perfect, pain-free, wealthy, and bountiful life. The difference between my 9th-grade self and me today is that I know I am capable of taking on anything as long as I have God on my side. My feelings no longer rule my life in the way they used to, the truths I have learned and the Holy Spirit are in control now.

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.”  (1 Peter 5:6-10)