Reflecting back, it’s clear that my life revolved mostly around myself, and how I can portray myself in the best way possible. Now my identity is in being a favored son of God.

Ever since I was a little kid, I remember going to church every weekend and knew that it was an important aspect of my family and of my culture. I went to Sunday school and learned a lot of the many Bible stories and about Jesus. I also went to private Christian school for the majority of elementary and junior high school. However, as I grew up I faced a lot of struggles with the way I looked. I faced massive insecurity about my height, weight, and even my cultural background. This led me to try and search for meaning and acceptance in other people. I would often be too ashamed to show myself in public and interact with others due to the fact I would overthink what they thought of me and my flaws. These emotions and feelings were enhanced by my struggles with pornography/masturbation and dealing with the shame that came with it. As a self-proclaimed “Christian” I had a feeling that what I was doing was wrong, which I believe was a very important aspect looking back. I found an escape from these things with soccer and video games, which aren’t bad in their nature, but I would place them above my relationship with God.

During my senior year of high school, I remember having a lot of free time after the end of the soccer season. Soccer was a really big part of my life, and once I realized that it was probably the last time I would be playing at that level again, I was honestly lost and confused. I remember scrolling through YouTube one day while walking my dog, and a sermon popped up on my feed. I decided to listen to it, and I felt God convict me regarding the way I was treating my relationship with Him. This led me to continue listening to more sermons and other podcasts while doing daily tasks. As I kept listening, I kept learning more and more about this walk of faith and felt really encouraged. I remember listening to a sermon on the way God speaks to us and while I was walking my dog (again) I suddenly had a thought in my head to delete social media for the whole month of December. I thought about it for a bit and came to two conclusions: “If this is God, then I have to do this” and “if this isn’t God, then what’s the worst that can happen?” I decided that deleting social media for a month would do more good than bad. This was definitely the turning point in my walk with Jesus. I didn’t feel anything magical or supernatural coming out of the “fast”, but a couple weeks later I started to see the fruit it produced. I started reading my Bible, for the first time since I was forced to in school, and actually enjoying it and relating it to my own life. I started to understand God’s love and his sacrifice that came through his son Jesus more and more.

Jesus changed my perspective and taught me to let go of what other people thought of me. A phrase that stuck with me from one of the podcasts I listened to stated that we as Christians need to be “comfortable with being uncomfortable.” This helped motivate me to put myself out there more and take the initiative to start living for Jesus. I decided to take steps to put this into action by going to church by myself and lifting my hands during worship. I remember when I first went to Church by myself, It was the church I went to school in so I was familiar with most of the congregation. I was very nervous because most of the people there knew my family and being there by myself spoke volumes about what was going on at my home. I decided to sit in the back and tried my hardest to not think about what was around me. When worship started I remember closing my eyes and praying “Jesus, it’s just you and me” over and over to remind myself that nothing else mattered in that moment except worshiping him for changing my life. I remember lifting my hands while shaking, but I kept repeating “Jesus, it’s just you and me” and it was one of the toughest but most freeing things I’ve ever done.

Moments like these, where I have surrendered my comfort and my own desires, have brought me the most freedom and breakthrough in my life. I made Jesus the focus of my life, and with his help, he has helped me turn a blind eye to the judgment of others around me. Matthew 10:39 says,“Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it.” I’ve seen God move in my life when I have decided to put my wants aside and pursue what he wants. It can be very difficult, it was for me, but we know that he is with us. Psalm 23:4 says that “Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”