I used to live a double life. On the outside, I was the girl in all the clubs and who seemed to have plenty of friends. But on the inside, I always felt so insecure. When something didn’t go well with sports, school, or friends, I’d fall apart. I was finding my identity in the approval of others, but no one knew. On the outside, most people thought I had it all together, was the goody-two-shoes I portrayed, and confident as ever. But on the inside, I was so incredibly empty. I didn’t tell anyone. But God, He knew. I just didn’t know He cared yet.

I heard about God on Sundays at church, but I didn’t know that He wanted me to feel personally known and loved as His adopted daughter. I ran after everything I could to fill the emptiness my heart often felt. What began as a pursuit for approval in grades and sports, quickly shifted to a hunger for boys to like me, want to date me, or at least be willing to have sex with me. I was so desperate to feel loved, ‘good enough’, fully known, and satisfied, that I began this secret pursuit of validation through unhealthy relationships. I lost most of my friends in high school as I wasted my time gossiping and lying, doing whatever it took to fit into a certain group. The emptier I felt, the more I ran after alcohol and guys to fill the void. I thought if I had more of what didn’t satisfy, I’d experience enough to feel fulfilled. But I still felt empty.

Shortly after I started college at UW-Madison, I was invited to a Christian event on campus with Badger Cru. I like to say I, “belonged on my way to believing”. I spent most of my first semester at dry house parties, weekly dorm bible studies, retreats and more, experiencing true, HONEST friendship for the first time in my life. They asked me about my heart, if I was really happy, and if not- what I was trying to run to outside of God to fulfill my heart. This was the first time I’d ever spilled my secrets about the inappropriate sexual relationships I’d had with guys. All the while, I was still struggling with living a double life. They weren’t shocked, as many of them had similar pasts and even current struggles. They kept loving me, and invited me to see another way to live – one that promised lasting satisfaction, a fulfilled heart, and more joy than I could’ve imagined.

December 31st of 2012, at Cru Winter Conference, I learned that Jesus died on the cross to take on all the things I was ashamed of, and to make a way for sinners like me to be a part of God’s family. I heard Bible verses about what it meant to be saved, and guaranteed a place in heaven when we die. This was the first time I’d EVER heard that becoming a Christian was a conscious decision, not just an automatic label you get if you go to church. I realized I’d grown up truly without God, and that THIS was the moment I could change the trajectory of my life forever. I cried in that conference room amidst 1,000 students, and asked God to forgive me of every secret and public sin I’d ever done. I asked him to free me from the addiction I had to unhealthy relationships with guys. I asked Jesus to become the Lord and Savior of my life, and from that moment on I’ve never been the same.

Fast forward five years later, and I’m married to the godliest man. Sometimes I still sit in awe that someone like Drew would ever want to marry someone with a messy past like mine. But he sees me like God does! I used to struggle with feeling so much shame, but now I share about my past with confidence and freedom, because I know God deeply loved me then, forgave me when I asked Him too, and is still crazy about me now. I still struggle with trying to earn the approval of people in my life by doing things for them, but my closest friends KNOW about that struggle of mine – they ask me about it, pray for me, and I’m growing to be increasingly honest and repentant when I do something with a motive of trying to earn love. I no longer try to numb pain with alcohol or sexual sin, because God’s showed me how to take my pain to Him. Don’t get me wrong, it can still be so tempting to revert to my old self: to gossip, to run to things besides God for fulfillment, or to sit in secret shame. I’m still far from perfect, and need so much grace, but He’s transforming my heart more every day and it’s honestly a miracle! Who would’ve thought I’d ever love reading the Bible? Or lead a Bible study myself? I’m a completely new person because of what He’s done for me. God’s given me a huge heart to invest in younger women searching for fulfillment – to tell them that God is the ONLY one who can fill their heart, deeply loves them, and wants to call them his daughters too! No matter what they’ve done.

The freedom and abundant joy I’ve found is simply unmatchable, and I’ll give my entire life for the sake of this Good News that filled my empty heart. In John 10:10, Jesus says, “I have come that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” I’m SO undeserved and SO dang grateful to be experiencing the fullest life there is. Being God’s daughter is just the best!