I grew up in a loving, Christian household as the youngest of 11 kids. I cared more about my performance than I cared about myself, constantly feeling the pressure of many successful older siblings that weighed on me to do the same, even when I couldn’t. I felt ashamed, foolish, and embarrassed for not being enough to myself, and I thought I wasn’t enough for my family. The pressure from my older brothers to be better at basketball, academics, making money, to be cooler, and everything else was all I knew to live for, and this idolatry of the things of the world were just empty. Even when I did succeed, I could’ve done better. The happiness from the success was so momentary. My worth to myself, therefore, became about what I could do. This mindset made me judgmental, self-absorbed, conceited, and self-righteous. My value as a person, in my own eyes, was constantly fluctuating based on my own works. These things never filled me up the way I hoped they would, no matter what I achieved or how hard I worked.

After living this exhausting life for years, I became broken under its weight. I remember a time in 8th grade at a summer camp, where I understood the truth and depth of the Gospel and Jesus’ love for me that I had always heard about, but never accepted as a real, personal application to my life. Jesus’ finished work on the cross finally resonated in my heart as the true answer to the pain I was feeling – it was the true answer I needed. It was then that I decided that this world can’t sustain my hopes and desires, and that the Gospel was the true peace and satisfaction I was searching for all along. Only Jesus can satisfy!

After making this decision, I began to live my life with a different perspective, but not really on my own power. I started to understand what people meant by “God working through me” and “walking in step with the Spirit.” I began to change in ways I wasn’t trying to – changing for the better. Not everything in life became easier or better (in some ways, yielding your rights daily to Christ is a lot harder), but I struggled less frequently with anger, hopelessness, and insecurity, as these things slowly became joy, hope, and love. These weren’t just behavioral changes, but true identity changes. As the Bible says, I became a new creation when I gave my life to Christ. I confidently know now that my life is secure, Jesus has made my heart new from the inside out, and I no longer need to perform for acceptance or live an empty, worldly life that fails to meet the true longings of my heart.

Instead of working for my own successes and glory in order to be accepted, I now live to please God alone, which is much better! Yes, I still try to succeed in life, but I can create, work, and succeed without the shackles of sin, self-absorption, and insecurity, since my satisfaction is already found in Him. You can actually be a lot more effective in all these areas in life when they are put in the true, proper perspective by the love of God through Jesus Christ.