I grew up in a Christian family and cannot remember a time when I didn’t know the Gospel or pray regularly. While I would consider myself a Christian and sought to live according to the Bible, I wasn’t living in the fullness of what God had for me.

Even though I now know Christ was eager to give me so much more, I spent years missing out on some of what God wanted for me because I chose to put my identity in what I could do. I was constantly striving to be seen as perfect, or at least as close to perfect as possible.
I was consumed by striving for perfection and when I experienced disappointment, anxiety, depression, and feeling a lack of control over my own life, I turned to myself and what I could do. This led to self-destructive patterns and while I was still able to excel in school and extracurriculars, I was falling apart.

I believe I was sealed with the Holy Spirit (Ephesians 1:13) when I first believed that Jesus was the perfect son of God who had died for my sins. However, I still lived as though I would find satisfaction and fulfillment in meeting my own definition of perfect. I had the head knowledge that only God was perfect and even the heart knowledge that I had salvation because of Jesus’ sacrifice, but I still chose to rely on myself. I spent countless hours praying, reading scripture, talking to my Bible study leaders, and listening to sermons and realized that since I truly believed the only perfect person had already paid for all my imperfections, I could surrender everything to Him and depend on the Holy Spirit to serve Him, rather than rely on myself to serve myself and my definition of perfect.
There wasn’t one specific moment, but I eventually realized I didn’t want my identity to be in what I could do but in what Jesus had already done.

I am not perfect, but I know the one who is and am constantly depending on him, Christ, to make me more like him, not through my own strength, but through his. I am constantly in the process of surrendering to God and I am finding beauty in how my own weakness leads me to depend on the Holy Spirit. Disappointments are still tough, but they are no longer devastating. My life is not my own, so I strive to honor God in how I live. How I care for my body or spend my time is no longer about how great I can be but about responding to how great God is.

My identity was in achievement, my life was filled with sins of idolatry, jealousy, and pride. Now that my identity is in Christ, I am led by God and my life is filled with the fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. My life is far from perfect, but I am grateful that I can surrender control to the one who is.