Growing up, I didn’t really have a connection with God. My family took me to church, and I did things like Vacation Bible School and Awana, but then when I got home, there was always fighting. The worst part was I didn’t have any escape from it because I was homeschooled, and at that point, I didn’t have very many friends either. I didn’t have anyone I felt I could talk to about what I was going through. Some might have told me to talk to God, but I was mad at God. I questioned why God would put me in a family that was always fighting, and where I felt alone. I got sick and tired of hearing bible verses, and if anyone tried to tell me that something I was doing was wrong because of what God said, I would get mad. I thought, if God cared about me, why would he put me through this? If God loves me, why isn’t he listening to my prayers for all this to stop? And so I started to dislike going to church or having anything to do with God.

Eventually, my parents divorced when I was 13 and my mom was no longer able to homeschool me. So in my freshman year, I went to a public high school. Going from homeschooling to high school was a big shock. I had to learn to fit in without getting bullied while trying to figure out how my home life was going to look. So I went with the flow. I acted like everyone else in an attempt to fit in when I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere. In doing this, I suppressed my emotions and feelings. I conformed into a lifeless unrecognizable being. The worst part is I wouldn’t let go of the pain my parents had caused me, and it allowed a bitter root to grow inside of me that caused me to view God and the world in a negative light. I still went to church, and I still went to youth group. I can remember my pastor was preaching once, and at the end of the night, he made an altar call. To be honest, I was conflicted. I was going through so much pain that I just wanted the relief that they said God could give me. But I wasn’t sure if I was ready to give up the control I thought I had over my life. Even though I could feel his tug at my heart and I could hear him calling me, I thought to myself, “You will never be good enough, and you will never change enough to be a good Christian. You will never be worthy of God’s love.”

It wasn’t until the summer of Sophomore year that I went on my first mission trip with our Youth Group to Memphis, Tennessee and my perspective began to change. Not only did I make a ton of great friends, but it was the first time I experienced God’s love. We were able to bring food to people in need, build affordable housing, and help with a VBS every night. What was most impactful for me was seeing how our help could make a difference in someone else’s life. The VBS wasn’t going to happen until they found out we were able to help, and the pastor’s wife was in tears at the end of the week because we had given hope to a church that was dying. We also were able to help clean up an area around a broken-down home that was going to be turned into affordable housing for people in need. The man said that we were able to complete what it would have taken him a month to do. It didn’t matter whether it was the people we helped at VBS or the people who were in need that we delivered food to. They had all been through hardships. But you know what I saw on their faces? I saw hope. By helping others and showing them God’s love, I was able to feel God’s love for the first time. It opened my eyes to see that even when life is tough, there is still good in the world, and you can help be part of it. On the last night of the mission trip, I remember telling everyone that it was the first time I had ever felt alive. I realized that I was tired of holding on to all the hurt and bitterness in my life from my parents and being alone, so I just gave it all to God. And I’m telling you now that that night was the most peaceful I have ever felt in my life. From there, I started to see God work in my life as I deepened my relationships with my new friends and started drawing closer to him. He even worked in the lives of my parents, and before it was a struggle, but now I can tell my parents that I love them and mean it.

Since then, I have experienced ups and downs. The difference between then and now is that I now turn to God and lay my burdens at his feet. At times I still question my worth. I ask myself, “Am I worthy of God’s love and forgiveness.” “Will I ever be able to fully change?” I’ve come to realize that there is nothing I will ever be able to do on my own that will get rid of my sin, but that’s why Jesus died for me. He died because he knew without him, we would be lost. We would be stuck holding onto bitterness, negativity, and all the desires the world has to offer. Jesus doesn’t ask for perfection, he only asks that we have faith in our relationship with him. 2 Corinthians 12:9 says, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” There is nothing we can do, but his grace is enough for us. All we have to do is give over our weaknesses, and his power will be made perfect. And Romans 8:38-39 says, “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

I used to question God’s love when he allowed all the bad things to happen, but I’ve realized he also allows the good things to happen as well. When I felt like he never answered my prayers, I wasn’t able to see that he had a plan to prosper me and to give me hope and a future. I believe and put my faith in God because when I was broken, he helped me find joy and peace that replaced the bitterness and hurt. And that is worth so much more than anything the world can offer.