Growing up, I was instructed in God’s word and grew in faith by God’s grace. My father taught me to pray and set an example for how a Christ follower lives. I felt that I had a good understanding of God’s grace. I never had a doubt that my sin was washed away in entirety by Jesus and what he did for all of us on the cross. I still had a limited understanding of who God was, however. I struggled discerning right from wrong. I would often look to my peers around me and follow their example. I would even prop myself up thinking that I was better than others, who I judged to be less good. This blinded me from my own sin and led to a path of destruction where I rebelled against, not only my father here on earth, but my Father in Heaven.

If I had to categorize who I was in middle and high school, I was a bully. I was largely seeking popularity, often at the expense of others. I put others down, made fun of them, excluded them, slandered them, etc. I did all this while maintaining that I was a good person and calling myself a Christian. I thought that I was at least better than the real bad people in the world. It worked. I really enjoyed living this life. I saw nothing wrong with this exhilarating but dangerous lifestyle.

I got in trouble countless times. This sin and destruction destroyed relationships, including the one with my parents. Coming to terms with this rebellion against God meant coming to terms with my parents too.

In high school, I was eating lunch with my usual table group. My buddy, who I know is a Christian, invited me to come to a high school ministry night. I had always wanted to get connected with a group of like-minded Christians. I had been longing for such a community. This community really helped me to learn more about God’s character, teaching me what God finds offensive. I started to discover the fear of the Lord and realize how miserable of a sinner I was. Before this point I really didn’t recognize it. I started reading God’s word; the Gospel according to Matthew (my namesake) on my own for the first time. I can’t remember a time before this point that I actually read the Bible on my own. It had always been read to me, in what felt like short snippets, leaving out the greater picture. I discovered how profound, applicable, and incredible God’s word really is. I realized that God’s law and my sin were in opposition. I was at a crossroads, I could either trust in the evil ways of this world that I began to feel comfortable in, or the truth; God’s Holy Word.

Getting to college, I got connected with a strong Christian community. This has been a blessing. This part of my life has not been a walk in the park though. I found myself being confident in my salvation based on my feelings. Some days I felt very confident of my right standing with God. Other days I did not feel so hot. I felt on these tough days that maybe I was not filled with the Holy Spirit after all. Maybe I had been deceiving myself this whole time. I trusted that, through my own efforts and self-determination, I could prove to myself and to others that I was a child of God. I would ask myself: Have I made a genuine choice to follow Jesus?, Have I really surrendered everything to God?, Do I really have enough faith?, Do I pray enough?, Do I sin less than I used to?, etc. This was until I rediscovered grace.

I kept trying to determine whether I have made a genuine choice to follow Christ. I kept doubting that choice. The grace that builds faith in us is not mine to be proud of, it is not by my choice that I can be justified before God, “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith–and this is not of yourselves, it is a gift of God–not by works, so that no one can boast” (Ephisians 2:8-9) . Instead of my comfort coming from within myself, I realized that I had already been won by God through Jesus’s work. I realized that Jesus chooses us, Jesus surrendered everything for us, Jesus prays for us, Jesus forgives us, and Jesus never sinned. Now, when I feel doubt as to where I stand with God, I look to His promise, when I feel like the Holy Spirit has left me, I remember my baptism where God washed my sins away, adopted me into his family, and sent his Holy Spirit. “Whoever believes and is baptized shall be saved” – Jesus Christ (Mark 16:16). Jesus’ promise does not just apply to me, but all humanity. My prayer is that we would be drawn to the true faith, by God’s grace, Amen.