It wasn’t until I stopped looking for acceptance that I realized I fully was.

Starting at a young age I remember basing a lot of my worth and my joy on being known and recognized.  I had a very supportive family, one that loved me so well, but I have always felt this inner need to prove myself to be accepted.  This showed itself largely through sports and always wanting to be the best, but it happened as well in my relationships.  I deeply wanted recognition that I was well liked and accepted by everyone.  This desire fueled me, and when I received it it fed me.  Inevitably when sports or school or friends would let me down, I felt like my whole identity was in question.  I grew up in a household that went to church often and talked about having a relationship with God, but it wasn’t until college that I began to make this my own.

I went to the University of Iowa, and starting all over in going to college meant that I needed to prove myself all over again.  Only this time, it didn’t have to be with sports, school, or church.  It could be whatever I chose, and I chose the party scene.  The problem was, no matter how great each party was, or how many friends I made or girls I impressed, it never satisfied my soul.  Don’t get me wrong, I loved my time in college.  I had and still have great friends who I love dearly, friends that stood by me in the midst of my many mistakes.  All I can say is that I knew something was missing.

One night, I remember walking back from the bars on a Friday night to my dorm.  I had gotten separated from my friends, and while I was walking I began to think to myself, “I haven’t even thought about God in months”.  I wasn’t ashamed, I didn’t feel bad about it, I was just aware.  When I got back to my room, there was a sign on my door inviting me to a Cru Bible Study that next week.  I was familiar with Cru being a Christian organization, and I thought, “why not?”.  That next week, I got a taste of what real acceptance could look like from the men that were there.  They cared about me regardless of how impressive I looked.

It was through that study and that group of guys that these two verses from the Bible radically changed my life.  They’re found in the book of Ephesians, and it read, “For it is by grace you are saved, through faith, and this is not from yourselves, it is a gift of God.”  Grace is an undeserved gift, and this gift is the fact that Jesus, who was God himself, came to earth to perform perfectly for me.  He lived a perfect life, and died on my behalf for my sins so that I could know God.  My acceptance before God was not based on my performance, but on Jesus’ performance for me.

I wish I could say that I no longer struggle to find my acceptance and recognition and worth in things other than my relationship with God, but I do.  But, at the same time, I know that I am accepted fully because of Jesus’ payment for me, and I know that God loves me unconditionally, regardless of my performance.  I have come to realize that I no longer need to be impressive, because Jesus is impressive and He now lives in and through me.