When I was young, my family and I went to church most Sundays. But when it was time to go to children’s ministry, I was always scared to be away from them and nervous to interact with others. As a kid and through high school, it felt like I was always worrying — about school and what teachers thought of me, what my classmates and friends thought of me, something happening to my parents or family, and that I was not doing enough for them. This translated into not feeling like enough. I felt easily overwhelmed. As I got older and as my grandparents started going to a different church, my family started going to church only for Christmas and Easter. I prayed every night, but I did not understand what a personal relationship with God looked like. In my prayers and in school and relationships, I relied on my own effort. Each night, my routine was to pray for everything I could think of and try to cover everything that could possibly go wrong in my life or others’ lives. Rather than placing God at the center, I was putting myself at the center by trusting in my own efforts alone with selfish motivations.

When I got a flyer with upcoming events for a student ministry the first week of freshman year and heard a new friend was planning to go to a local church, we made plans to go to both together along with my roommate. Throughout that first semester, I spent little time with God outside of church and the weekly meeting for the student ministry. I would worry about an assignment I had to do, an exam to study for, or whether I had left a good impression on someone I was talking with earlier that day. I worried that I was not putting enough effort into the things I was trying to find fulfillment in when finding fulfillment in depending on the Holy Spirit was right in front of me. If you had asked me before freshman year of college about whether I had accepted Christ, I would have thought back to getting baptized back in grade school. But during the second semester of freshman year, when one of the leaders in my Bible study went through a booklet called Knowing God Personally and asked what I thought best represented my life, I realized I had not fully yielded to Christ. Instead, I often put myself at the center by placing my identity in being successful in school and well-liked. I realized my life revolved around putting trust in my own strengths and efforts to be successful by the world’s standards. At that moment, I remember feeling relief in realizing that committing my life to Christ meant the Holy Spirit would always be with me, even if I didn’t deserve it, because of Christ’s death on the cross.

After placing my faith in God, I’ve grown in learning to depend on the Holy Spirit. I’ve felt peace and empowerment like I have never before. I still struggle with selfish motivations like being driven by worldly success and how others view me, but God has helped me to realize I need His help to ensure my actions are guided by the Holy Spirit and glorify Him. When I start to worry about a difficult conversation or situation, I know that trusting in my own efforts and knowledge alone will not lead to fulfillment. Instead, God has empowered me to surrender control to Him and confess my sins, know they are forgiven, and have a desire to change. Rather than fearing what I might do wrong, God has empowered me to be bold and try new things to see all I can do by relying on Him. When I depend on the Holy Spirit and spend time in scripture, God emboldens me to take opportunities to glorify Him and, through the challenge, grow humbler and stronger in my faith. When doubt or comparison creeps into my mind, God reminds me of all the ways he has provided before, like through the wonderful community He has blessed me with. This is what I’ve seen Jesus do in my life so far, but I still have so much to learn from Him.