I grew up in a Catholic home. I went the whole nine yards as a Catholic and was confirmed my freshman year of high school. I thought that being confirmed was the final stamp of approval I needed to be able to say that I knew God. Although I believed that I knew Him, the reality was that my pursuit was not of God, but instead of earthly idols such as appearing to have a perfect life where everything was under control. After my parents got a divorce, this idol only become more centralized in my life as I had lost the appearance of having stable “perfect” family. With a younger brother, I tried my best to be strong for him. I cared more about pretending that I had it all together for him so that this change would afflict as minimal pain as possible. This act didn’t just stay confined to the walls of our now two homes though. My performance of having everything put together had seeped into every other aspect of my life to the point where I was living a life of trying to appear completely perfect.

Once I entered college I began to realize how toxic my habits had become. My relationship with a long distance boyfriend was becoming unhealthier day by day and I was willing to give up eating, hanging out with friends, and sleeping to try and make things right. I was obsessed with maintaining the look of having my life together. This in turn led me to suffer from anxiety. I thought that because my relationship was the cause of my anxiety that when I finally found the strength to leave, I would be okay again. I was convinced that would be the end of it and I would be on the up and up from there. I could finally focus on my school work again with no distraction and regain my status as having the “perfect” life.

With an identity in my perfection, I was bound to fail, I just didn’t realize how far I would fall before I realized the truth. I was taking some of the hardest classes I had ever encountered and no matter how much I studied, I failed the exams. My anxiety was taking over my life. I had no idea how to handle the crippling emotions I was suffering from on a daily basis. I just needed to escape and I was willing to party, drink, and be reckless to accomplish that. After finding no relief, I began to isolate myself from everyone around me. I felt so worthless. I removed myself from my roommates and friends because I didn’t see a point in trying. I didn’t want to find housing for the following year because I didn’t want to be on this campus or even on earth anymore. I remember thinking that because I had lost my status of having everything put together that there was no point in being here anymore.

In the midst of my overwhelming emotions, an old friend from a class reached out to me asking to catch up and get dinner. Sarah and I went to Noodles and Company and I told her of some of the struggles I was dealing with. I kept my thoughts of dropping out to myself because I still wanted to maintain the appearance that I had life figured out. She met me with words of affirmation and kindness, reassuring me that everything would work out. She than began to tell me about Cru and the things she believed as a Christian. Leaving that conversation, I was interested in the words she shared and could feel that I felt a little hopeful.

I went home that weekend and my family brought me and my brothers to a new church they wanted to try. It was a Christian church and I remember walking in with tears in my eyes because I knew after church was over I had to go back to Madison. I sat through the service feeling anxious about having to return to school. As the pastor began his sermon, I was still checked out, I was thinking about what illness I could fake to stay home for a little longer or if there were a way to break our car so we couldn’t possibly drive to Madison. But then I heard a question: “How many of you have ever felt broken?” Broken was exactly how I would describe myself at that time. As the pastor continued, I remember sitting there thinking that my parents must have told the pastor that I was struggling, because I felt like he was speaking directly to me.

Then he read a piece of scripture that to this day, is engrained in my head. It was Psalm 34:18 “The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” It was during this sermon on brokenness that I realized that the only true way to be relieved was to let God enter into my life and accept Him as my Savior. God was in pursuit of me and He knew that in my broken state, it was finally the right time to call me home to Him.

To this day, I am so grateful that God used Sarah to meet me where I was at in life and to use her to begin the process of melting my hardened heart. I recognize that I was never truly alone and that it took a lot of hardships for me to realize that I was idolizing the wrong things. I needed to suffer to come to the realization that I need Him.

There is no other love that can compare to His. It was because of His love that he pursued me when I was an enemy. It was His love that was revealed to me in perfect timing to save me from myself. Now it is His love that provides me with the fulfilment I originally sought through false idols. It is his love that reminds me that I am enough, perfect, and His beloved daughter.

Relinquishing my life to Him has and always will be the best decision I have ever made. By accepting Christ, I have been made new and my life has changed in so many unfathomable ways. My identity is no longer in my success and perfection, but instead in Christ.