I grew up in a pretty small town, so small we were even left off of the state map one time, but that’s another story. Growing up, diversity of religion within my community was fairly uncommon. The greatest differences in belief arose within the varied denominations of Christianity. I wasn’t ever asked what I believe and why. As a child, I viewed the bible as this hefty storybook and it wasn’t until I was older that the bible become this rulebook of how I was to live and please others. I wanted to be liked, and I found that following the guidelines of kindness and humility and love that the bible commanded was like a guide of how to secretly achieve my own personal glory to gain recognition from others and from God.

I came into college feeling quite exhausted by my quest for acceptance, but still finding its grip on how I interacted with others hard to break. I had quite an anomaly of an experience with the friends that I stumbled upon in my dorm freshman year of college. I was refreshed to be welcomed by a community that cared for me whether I wanted a drink or not and whether I was good at something or not. The trouble was that striving to meet other’s expectations of me was so ingrained into my character that when these new friends didn’t seem to give me expectations, and gave me the freedom to be myself, I didn’t quite know who that was. I experienced a lot of internal confusion of identity and purpose.

I was fortunate to have a couple older role models from my high school at Madison who were eager to welcome me to Badger Cru at this time. I remember feeling overwhelmed and uncomfortable at the first Cru I went to, as everyone appeared so confident and outwardly sure of their faith in God. Despite feeling this way, my friend Meredith encouraged me to sign up for a bible study. It was either the second or third bible study when my leaders asked us to answer the question, “If you were to die tonight, on a scale of 1 to 100%, how sure would you be that you were going to heaven?” I said I was 70% sure. I recognized my exhaustion in seeking acceptance and felt unworthy of having full assurance that the grace of God, His gift of eternal life. I didn’t understand how everyone in my study could be 100% sure. Then we read Ephesians 2: 8-9.

“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith. And this is not your own doing, it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.”

This moment was a catalyst for me. I began to start chipping away at the wall I had built to hide my sin from God and others. I had identified as a Christian for years, but had never really understood that God’s love was something I would never be able to earn. For the first time, I felt genuinely excited to get to know this God of grace more.

I’ve spent the past few years in Madison getting to know and loving people who are seeking to know God and also people who aren’t. I’ve spent time dwelling in doubts, seriously considering the reality of death, questioning God’s character, and being broken down and exposed to my own sin. Amidst this, I have experienced the peace God can bring to doubts and know that He is always good, even when the world seems to try to speak louder that He is not. I’ve also had some pretty low points in which God has shown me that I struggle with judgment, lust, bitterness, distrust of Him, and a desire for acceptance. I see that my need for Jesus as my Savior is and will continue to be an everyday need.

God has taught me that loving only in hopes of being loved back, is an empty, unfulfilling kind of love. It’s not the kind of love God gives us, nor is it the kind of full love He created us to give. God continually transforms the way I see others and the way I see myself. I see that I fit into the gospel, that by faith I have assurance of eternal life and that I don’t need to fear death. I believe Jesus was God in the flesh, lived a perfect life that I could not, and paid the penalty of separation from God that I justly deserved because of my desire to serve myself. I know my purpose in life, no matter what work I am doing, is to know God fully and to share Him with others. I will never have a greater identity than to be claimed as His.