Growing up, I was raised in a Catholic church. We attended services on Saturday nights, and I was in Confirmation classes through my church. I remember growing up and despising both of these activities, just waiting for the day that I would be confirmed so that I could move on and away from religion. I didn’t dislike God, but then again, it is hard to dislike someone that you don’t truly believe in.

The day finally came when I got confirmed, and slowly my church attendance dropped as other things became more important. Whether it was work or friends, I was always looking for some excuse to skip church. I was involved in sports and I had a lot of friends, winning both class clown and most outgoing in the senior yearbook. From the outside, I had it going pretty good, but on the inside I was crumbling. I found myself getting depressed in high school, especially during the school year and winter months. I got caught up in self-harm, and I felt like I had nothing going for me. Academically I was average at best, I found a benchwarmer spot on the varsity basketball team, I hated the way I looked, and I had no aspirations for my future. I felt like a fake; the girl that everyone thought had it all really was barely hanging on. Thoughts of suicide whistled through my mind every now and then, leading me to write a hidden note just in case the worst would happen. A very close friend of mine, who was the only one to really know of my struggles, eventually told me that they could not continue to give me support. They told me that I needed to stop hurting myself, at the very least, because they couldn’t stand to see me like this anymore. They felt like they had reached a point where nothing they said or did ever made a difference. For whatever reason, this moment flipped a switch in me. I stopped cutting myself, because I realized that I valued this friend much more than this dangerous coping mechanism. However, the anxiety and confidence were never really taken care of.

When I came into college, I got introduced to Cru on UW-Madison’s campus. I only went to the meetings at first because that was where my boyfriend was going, otherwise it would have been unlikely for me to show up. Over the first two years of college, I finally got questions answered about God that I didn’t know before. I was introduced to what God’s love really looks like. I came to understand that there is nothing I can do, no image I can live up to, and nothing that would make God love me any more nor any less. I was saved by the love of Jesus Christ, who died for my sins. The grace that God freely gives for my past sins and mistakes was freeing, and it was by all of these truths that God radically transformed my life.

I got baptized in September 2017, alongside countless friends from the community I have found since becoming a follower of Jesus. Ever since this complete surrender of my life to God, I have been overcome with inexplicable joy. The exams and homework that normally would leave me crying into a pillow no longer gave me that same anxiety. My view of myself has become rooted in my faith, knowing that I was created in the image of Christ, and that His approval is the only one that matters. I am now a bible study leader, even though I had never been in a bible study up until this past Fall. If you would have told me in my childhood that one day I would be living my life as I am now, I would call you crazy. But, that is the beauty of God and the miracles that He works! My life has been flipped upside down for the better, and it is all thanks to God and the roller coaster trials that he walks us through to get there.