By the grace of God I have always had godly role models to look up to. The most influential being my parents. From a young age it was plain to see that Jesus meant something to my parents. My parents weren’t perfect but I specifically remember watching how my Dad served others, and it never really seemed to make much sense to me. The way they both acted at church and at home made me realize that this Jesus guy was a big deal. God and faith always had a presence in my life, and throughout my life I tried to be everything I thought a good Christian should be. Faith had a place in my life through worship band, Bible studies, and youth group; but God was not the center of my life, I was. I remember everything was a competition and a performance, and I wasn’t too bad at it. I was one of the “good kids”. Academics, music, athletics, social standing, and religion had all become my god. 

Fast forward a bit, It was the summer after high school going into freshman year. For the first time I had started drinking, entered a way too physical relationship with my girlfriend, and with so much newfound freedom, I was leading myself down a path of chasing my own flesh. The following freshman year of college I was living a double life. Going to a campus ministry every Thursday, going to get wasted with my other friends immediately after. I had an intense conviction from the Holy Spirit, but I used alcohol to numb myself past the point of being able to feel or comprehend anything. I was a christian every Sunday morning and Thursday afternoon. One of those nights infront of all of my “friends” in the dorm, I remember drunkenly breaking down to tears at how sexual sin and drunkenness had taken over my life. I was ruining the purity and performance mindset that I had made my god.

In January I decided to end my double life. I broke up with my girlfriend and signed up for multiple evangelism trips. I had all the right intentions to try and WORK myself into a right relationship with God. Then COVID happened, and everything was canceled. I now see this as a blessing, but at the time it felt like a curse. I felt like all of the ways I was going to work my way to a right relationship with God had been taken away from me. 

That summer and first half of sophomore year was a very dark time in my faith. I was stuck in this cycle of trying to fix myself, failing, hating myself, trying to fix myself, failing, hating myself more. But I wouldn’t ask for help. Because of my christian upbringing I used the Bible as a tool for self hatred. In that time God’s holiness and righteousness were terrifying, I never seemed to be good enough. Why would someone like that love someone like me? I knew that Jesus died for my sins, but I didn’t believe that he would forgive me or love me despite them. I was actively defying Him every chance I got. I was dirty, and I thought He was too clean to go anywhere near me.

God’s love displayed through Jesus Christ rescued me from this cycle. Not because of anything I tried to do for him. But because of who He is and what He has done for me. God showed his love for me in that while I was still a sinner he sent his Son to die for me.

I surrendered my secrets and confessed not only to the Lord but to the other guys I had been keeping at arm’s length in my campus ministry as well. I surrendered control over my life, and by the power of the Holy Spirit started to say no to the old master of my life, sin, and yes to my Father who promised peace for my broken soul. 

I had found a new freedom in Christ. I wasn’t chained to my past. Paul in Romans 8:1 says that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, for the first time my eternal justified status in Christ Jesus meant something to me. I didn’t have to distance myself from him anymore, and I realized that he had been drawing me closer through all of my doubt and self hate.

My story is far from over but I’ve found where my true identity lies, it’s not in my own sin, but in my savior Jesus who bore my sins on the cross so that I could be reconciled to my loving Father in Heaven. Jesus died on the cross so that WE could draw near to His endless love every day. 

Sophomore year in the depth of my self hate and self condemnation God revealed Roman’s 8:38-39 to me. This passage continues to remind me of the miraculous love that God displayed through Jesus.

Romans 8:38-39  

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”