In high school, I was involved in a long-term relationship. Being with him made me feel like I belonged. I thought the relationship would bring me joy, especially as I watched my mom fight through alcoholism and depression. I missed almost more school than I attended because of chronic migraines. I pushed away everyone who ever tried to care for me. I knew who God was, but decided to invest in a relationship with a guy instead of my relationship with Jesus Christ. I had friends, played sports, and had a boyfriend… so I guess to the world I looked like I had it together. However, I felt empty. One summer, as I was volunteering at a Christian Camp for a week I finally felt a small piece of true joy, the joy I had been seeking for years. While I was there, I had no connection to my life back home… I was just serving God. I began to see that this joy was in spending time with God and away from the life I had built on lies, guilt, and a lukewarm Christian lifestyle. Though I knew the truth, I found it hard to break free of the relationship. Throughout the next year it became so blatantly obvious that we needed to move on.

I distinctly remember sitting alone in my room after yet another attempt of breaking up with my boyfriend, alone again, and shattered. “So, is this what Christianity is really like?” I yelled to God, tears pouring onto a bible I barely understood the words of. I threw the bible against the wall. These frustrated conversations with God happened for months. The problem was that I was talking at God, and not taking the time to listen. I hadn’t taken the time to realize He had been with me the whole time. So, I continued to live both lives. Next, I tried to fight for my relationship with God, and tried to keep my same routine life of bad habits. God never left… He kept reminding me that He loves me no matter what. He will never stop chasing after me, and loving me unconditionally.

 Finally, the exhaustion of trying to live two very different lives completely ran me into the ground. So, all in one day, I graduated high school, had my grad party, ended the relationship, and drove to Michigan to work at Camp for a full summer. As I got in the car, I finally had an honest conversation with God, “I don’t know what I am doing. I am a mess. But, from here on out you have my entire life… not just part of my heart, not just reading my bible once a month, but everything. You are my everything.” As soon as I stepped out of the car, though still learning how to fully trust God, I finally felt complete freedom, and explainable joy. Since that day, the Lord has been center of my whole world, I have become completely content in Him, and honestly… I can barely contain my overflowing joy.

Joshua 1:9 “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; Do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”