What did my life revolve around before Christ? In a word, reputation. I desired to cultivate an identity of complete excellence. I even made a New Year’s resolution one year to get a girlfriend, because that was one of the last things I needed to complete my image. School. Extracurriculars and volunteer hours. Cross country and track. Musicianship. Relationships. I held myself to strict standards of excellence, even with activities I had never tried before. My life was a consistent struggle to attain worth in my abilities, with emotional highs and lows riding on it entirely. And for a long time, I was able to blind myself with satisfaction in that selfishness because of the things I was able to accomplish. I was in a place of complete arrogance, as even being kind to others became a matter of internal pride. I was on a mission to prove myself to the world.

Under the surface there were some rumblings though, as personal challenges with sexual immorality became increasingly present and the stakes for life success were raised year over year in high school. Questions of faith became frustratingly common in the back of my mind as I considered how I had been raised in the Church, yet seemed to be out of touch with the same invigorating faith that I saw peers of mine in high school exhibit. In all honesty, I considered individuals who had “sincere” faith to simply be the best actors I’d ever met; I had no experience to say that genuine faith was even rational, much less attainable. So back I would go to my efforts to perform for myself and all those around me.

I was missing a higher purpose and a higher love than that of winning people over.

Questions of faith grew deeper, and I became increasingly frustrated with the inconsistent attitudes my family and I displayed towards faith obligations. One night these frustrations came out in a spiritual conversation with a high school friend of mine. I, ironically, had been asking her about how she stayed humble in the face of her many talents (for my own benefit), when she began to talk me through a genuineness in her faith and encouraged me to become part of a ministry when I arrived on my college campus. I knew many changes were imminent in arriving on campus. A dating relationship was ending. A whole new world to prove my worth to. And these questions on my mind. So, I jumped head first in to a campus ministry to see if it was “for me”. This ministry ended up being full of hundreds of people who had honest, vibrant faith in Christ. They talked about Him like a person they knew. One who cared for them deeply. I had never known this perspective growing up. At a fall retreat during that first semester, I heard a speaker articulate Christ’s desire for a deep personal connection with me, and how He paid with His life on the cross to have it. I was overwhelmed in understanding how my back had been turned to Him, taking no notice of the hand He was extending me. I decided that evening that my faith would be placed in Jesus, and that I would live to develop this relationship with Him. It was the first time I was excited to have faith and wanted to share it with others.

Since that day I have been slowly working (and have been slowly worked upon) to make good on that promise to build a relationship with Him. He has been working to break down my pride, to help me come down off a life of proving myself in constant performance tension. I have been able to relax academically and place time in valuable friendships. I have begun to build an identity for myself as it relates to Christ and His constancy and deconstruct the identity I had in things like athletics, female attention, and career success. This is still something I am working on in a lot of ways to this day, reassured by Christ’s love for me. In a lot of ways, He’s really freed me up to be the individual He had created me to be. He has given me opportunities to learn, grow, and teach of Him, both emotionally and intellectually. Some periods of this refinement have been difficult and discouraging, especially when dealing with matters concerning sexual immorality or pride. But, there is a higher purpose and a higher love which I have grown to trust. In times of relapse, I am reminded of a particular story in the Bible of Jesus giving difficult teachings to His disciples. As some turned and left Him, Jesus asked His closest twelve if they too would turn back and leave. Simon Peter replied to Jesus, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.”
You and I both have the opportunity to live out of this assurance. Christ died to cover our imperfection and allow us back into a relationship with a perfect God. Without acceptance of this sacrifice we will be known on our own imperfect merits before God. But with Christ, we are known for His perfect saving work.

The choice is yours. But, I will be known for Christ.