For much of my life, I felt as though I was not “good enough.”

Comparing myself to others was my measuring stick when it came to determining personal success. In high school, academic achievement, athletic performance, physical appearance, and social ability were the lenses my mind impulsively analyzed my peers through. I felt that I needed to maintain a persona that was strong in all four of those categories in order for my classmates to like me.

However, it seemed that now matter how hard I tried, there were always people more smart, strong, good-looking, and confident than myself. This drove me to look down on those who were “lesser” in any of those areas so that I could say, “at least I’m not them.”

My friends throughout high school had a strong influence on me. I was easily swayed by them out of fear that their view of me could be fractured if I failed to fit in. This led to habits of cursing, making fun of others, and disrespect towards authority.

Throughout this whole time, I had a relationship with Jesus. It was a blessing to have my parents tell me all about him when I was growing up and I frequently heard Bible stories at Sunday school. I trusted in Jesus when I was around 7 years old and was baptized thereafter. Though I was young, I recognized that a God who was loving, kind, and desiring to know me personally was the One I wanted to have faith in.

That being said, my high school self began to feel torn apart. The Luke of Saturday nights was not the same as Luke on Sunday mornings. One aimed to please my friends, while the other looked to serve Jesus. This deep-rooted tension caused me to feel fraudulent, anxious, and unsure of my identity. A question of “who am I?” rattled through my brain through the end of my high school career.

Coming to college, I viewed it as an opportunity to “push the reset button.” I was sick and tired of trying to be two different persons, and I wanted to become whole again.

God met me radically during my first year of college.

With my parents no longer there to take me to church on Sundays, I realized seeking out Christian community would be by my own volition. I sought to get connected to a local church and a campus ministry called Cru; my faith began to shift from a weekly family tradition to a personal pursuit of Jesus.

At the end of freshman year of college, I decided to go on a month-long mission trip to North Myrtle Beach, SC, and it was there that I finally understood God’s grace. You see, growing up I spent so much time comparing my successes to others’ that I failed to recognize this truth: all people are sinful and separated from God. Humans exist on a level-playing field as not a single person has done enough good in their life to live up to God’s original intent of perfection. I cannot say that I am better than anyone as in reality nobody is good—looking down on one another is a broken and futile ranking game. Though we chose sin, God loved us so much that he left his heavenly throne to live among mankind—serving us, showing us the proper way to live, and even dying on behalf of our imperfection.

In North Myrtle Beach, Jesus reminded me that by believing in that reality, my once-broken relationship with him was restored. If Jesus really saved my life, that changes everything. It means my life, my career, my hobbies, my words, my purpose, should all be oriented around serving him. He is worthy of it. No longer do I question “who am I,” as I now know the answer. My identity lies in God himself.

Life now is still not perfect, but God tells me that he accepts me just as I am—no matter how messy or flawed I may be. I no longer need to act like two different people or maintain a certain persona. I am freed from having to be “good enough.”

The words of Psalm 73:26 ring true in my heart: “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”