Growing up, I had everything I could have ever wanted. I was an only child, raised in a stable family, with parents whom loved me very well. My father, being a self-made businessman, modeled how working hard brought forth success and achievement. I found myself chasing after any opportunity I could to be the best, whether that was due to my popularity in school, my skill in sports, or number of boys I dated. I would do anything I could to be praised and held higher than others, but I could never be fully satisfied.

My search for success introduced me to dating, because in high school often times your value was in who you dated. Relationships became hobbies for me because this is something I thought I could “succeed” at. I found myself loving the thrill of dating and the desire that boys showed towards me, so I would do whatever I could to seek out that feeling of someone pursing me, even if it was for the wrong reasons. The feeling of being wanted was something I chased, as I continued to seek after something that never truly fulfilled me. My search for being desired led me to destroying friendships, engaging in sexual activity, and overall losing understanding of the value of true relationships. I nearly burnt as many bridges as I built, and so I just continued to search for different relationships that would make me feel wanted.

Coming into college, I didn’t have an outlet for the acceptance and success that I was used to. School required so much time and attention, and any type of relationships were few and far between, that I found myself in a state of isolation and aimlessness. Depression started to hit me as I sought after outlets like exercise and food to cope. I started searching for answers, for groups to get involved in that may help me find whatever it was that I was looking for. By the grace of God, a friend invited me to a Christian organization on campus, which led to hearing the gospel for the first time, and understanding that God wholly desires me and was inviting me into a wholly fulfilling, two-sided, covenant relationship with Him. That day I entered into the relationship that I was looking for, one that would never leave me without purpose, or without feeling desired.

Learning what this life with God looks like for me has been a process. It has been a journey handing over every part of myself to Jesus, and learning more about who God is and who I am in His eyes. For the longest time I had a hard time with fully trusting that I am safe in Jesus’s arms, but He has shown me that He is peace, and that I can rest in knowing my value as a child of God. Quickly after entering into a relationship with God, my mindset towards dating, relationships, and sex shifted, and I started on the path of understanding the value of Godly relationship and how God can move in and through them. He also showed me that my value wasn’t in my success in school, in achievements, or in whom I identified with, because I belonged to Him first and foremost. My identity is in Jesus.

While still on a journey of learning more of who God is and who I am to Him, I can rest assured that my promise is in the Kingdom of Heaven, that I no longer need to seek after the approval or desire of man to feel fulfilled, and that moving forward my life is being lived for the purpose of glorifying my Savior, Jesus Christ.