There is often a fine line between fitting in, and finding yourself. For me, there was a constant back and forth between who I wanted to be and who others thought I “should” be. I constantly sought the acceptance and approval of others through grades, sports and friendships.  I thought I had my life figured out, but with all the friends, family, peers, and even strangers that I tried to impress, I had left out the one who should have been the most important figure in my life. No matter their background, every person has a story to share. Here’s mine:

I grew up in a Christian home. I was baptized as a baby, went through my First Communion, attended church most Sundays and got confirmed my junior year of high school. I was an alter server at my church from second grade until my freshman year of high school, but it felt more like a way to get through the hour of mass, instead of an opportunity to fully understand what was going on. Throughout my confirmation, I thought I had God all figured out. I thought I knew God, what He did for us, and why He loved us so much. I prayed frequently, and thought that was enough to solidify my relationship with Christ, but little did I know, I only knew of God. I never knew Him personally… at least, not as much as I had originally thought. It was my junior year, the year I was studying for my confirmation, when I started drinking with my friends. I always felt like a goody-two-shoes in high school, so this was a way I could let out some of the stress of perfection and show my peers I wasn’t as high-strung as they thought.

I came into college where I left off in high school. Needing to make so many new relationships, I didn’t want to come into college as the uptight Christian who never wanted to have fun. Quite honestly, my faith wasn’t even on my mind as I came to Madison. I had lived out this life for the first two weeks of college, when I got a text about a Bible study held in my dorm as a part of a Cru, a Christian organization on campus. As soon as I read the text, I asked the people around me if they would want to go with me to this “Bible study thing.” They all said no. With fear of standing out, I decided not to go. Lucky for me, my study leader didn’t give up easily. She texted me in the following weeks until I finally decided to go. I don’t know what made me choose to go that week, but it completely changed my life.

I wasn’t sure how the study would go or what these girls would be like. Would they be these perfect angels? Would they judge me if they knew what I did on the weekends? What if they were weird…? Man, was I mistaken. I was with three upperclassmen in this study. I was the sole freshman from my hall to attend. We started telling each other about ourselves. To my surprise, we were all a lot alike. We had similar interests, hobbies, career paths, ambitions. More surprisingly, they all had struggles and temptations in their lives too, especially in college, which made me realize I was not alone.

My first Cru was a whole other experience. The best way to describe my first time entering the room is a massive wave of energy. There were so many people, and they were all so welcoming. Then came worship. My first worship. I was caught off guard to say the least. There was a band, an actual band, singing modern music about God? People were lifting their hands up and closing their eyes and singing at the top of the lungs. They weren’t just singing words, however, it was like they were singing directly to God and making sure He heard them. I had never seen anything like it. I didn’t really know what it was until I saw it. The devotion people showed that night and the relationships these students had with God was the most amazing experience I’ve had in my life. A particular moment I recall is during one of the worship songs as they sang, “Christ is for enough me. Everything I need is in you. I have decided to follow Jesus. I won’t look back. I won’t look back” (The song I later found out was Christ Is Enough by Hillsong Worship). Something came over me during this song, and I couldn’t help but tear up. I didn’t know what it was until it felt like somebody was physically touching my shoulders, as if all my worry was taken right from me. I didn’t realize how lost I was until this moment. I had felt the Holy Spirit that night. It was that night I chose to make a change in my current lifestyle, and work to become the person Christ  wanted me to be.

This was not as easy as it sounded. I still gave into temptation after that first Cru, but it was lessening more and more as I attended Bible studies, heard the testimonies of other upperclassmen in Cru, and grew in community. Going out became less and less enjoyable for me, so I started substituting those toxic behaviors for movie nights with other freshmen in Cru, or playing Mario Kart with people in the dorms who had also decided to stay in.

Through all of this, I recognized the opportunities God has given His sons and daughters for redemption and forgiveness. In Ephesians 1:7, Paul says, “In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins in accordance with the riches of God’s grace.” My new relationship with God has only been strengthened by confessing to Him my fears, doubts, and sins. God has given me second chances, third chances, fourth chances… and every time I know I have been forgiven. We have a redeeming God that takes you in no matter where you’re at in your faith. He will fix brokenness, no matter how shattered you feel, and repair the holes left in your heart by any and all mistakes you’ve made.

Even through those rambunctious first semesters in college, God loves me and He is reaching out to me to trust Him with our lives. There are still times I am tempted by wrong and I give in. There are still times I forget to thank God for my blessings, or I am “too busy” to read my Bible and, no, I can’t always make it to Sunday mass. Through this, however, God still knows I’m trying. We’re all a work in progress, and I have made so much progress over the past year thanks to the Christian community I have found on campus, my supportive friends and family, and Jesus Christ. I am now happy to say: I don’t just know of  God, but that I know  God. He has released me from my sins, time and time again. I know now He is more than enough for me, and there is no looking back.