My family and I have always identified as Christians, went to church, and prayed before meals, but unfortunately, that is the extent to which our faith went. That is, until I went to my first FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athletes) camp when I was 12 years old. I was exposed to the true word of God and got the chance to surrender my life to Him. That is the day that my life changed for the better. However, my journey as a Christian has had many spiritual highs and lows. Growing up I always wanted the approval from everyone around me; peers, family members, teachers, and most of all, men. I dreaded the thought of being a sinner just like everyone else, but I was.

I struggled to follow God and did not know what it truly entailed. I did not know how to have intimate time with Him in prayer and read His word in a way that made sense, or fully trust in Him with all that I had. I was living a double life. One lifestyle that I lived was the one I was proud of and others approved of. I did pretty much everything possible to make it look like I was a good Christian girl who had everything together. That was the part of my life that I tried to disguise my second lifestyle with. In the other aspect of my life I was seeking the approval of others and did close to anything to make them like me. This became problematic in the area of men. I wanted to be the girl that all the guys pursued, but the only way that happened was for my reputation of innocence to go down the drain. I set the goal of saving myself for marriage even before surrendering my life to Christ, but I made the mistake of assuming that all the ‘other stuff’ was acceptable. I thought that the only person who could truly measure my worth was a man. I made more mistakes than I ever care to admit. The worst part was that I knew I was sinning for years, but I did not want to admit it because that just made it that more real. I went to men to fill a temporary hole in my life that only God could fill.

Like I said, I committed my life to Christ when I was 12, and that was the moment I was saved and was promised eternal life in heaven with my Father. Unfortunately, I did not live out the Christian lifestyle that I now wish I had. I have many regrets, but fortunately, at the start of my Sophomore year of college I started going to Cru at Edgewood. A conference that same winter is where I made the decision to surrender and give it all up to the Lord; even the things I was not proud of. I was reminded by the amazing speakers that I am a sinner, but God has forgiven all of my sins because He sent His Son, Jesus, to die on the cross with me in mind. God wants a relationship with each and every one of His children, no matter how broken. I think in my time of struggle and sin I did not think I was good enough for God. ‘Why would He want me?’ is what I would ask myself constantly, but little did I know, that He wanted me more than I could ever know. I was reminded of His love and grace, and I did not want to stray away from it any longer, so I embraced it. I let Him overflow my life with His love, strength, and forgiveness, and I have been the happiest I have ever been, but that does not mean my life became easy.

After recommiting my life to Christ I have put full trust in God’s plan for my life because I want to go where He wants me to go, I want to do what He wants me to do, and I want to say what He wants me to say; all glory has gone to Him and it always will. Any plan that I could come up with would never compare to those that He has already made for me. Putting time aside every day to spend time digging into the Bible and praying always felt like a chore to me, but now I crave that time alone with God; just digging into His word, and listening to what He wants me to hear. I of course still struggle with temptation at times, but the Lord reminds me every day that I have the strength of God to not give into those temptations and He always has grace and love towards me even when I do sin.

Ephesians 1:7 “In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s Grace.”