From the outside looking in, my story seems simple and straightforward. I grew up in a home that taught me a lot about Christianity, which I am extremely blessed by. I went to church, youth group, and attended a bible camp in the summer. I accepted Christ into my heart at a young age, knowing that I did not want to go to Hell, but not really grasping the whole reality of what Jesus did for me. I knew I should want to keep growing in my faith, so I memorized verses, brought my Bible to school, and would offer to pray out loud at church. But most of those “Christian things” I did were so that others would see me as a “good Christian”.

This obsession with how others saw me grew and continued throughout high school. Everything I did was to show others how “perfect” I was- whether through grades, extracurriculars, how I treated others, or how I would tell others I practiced my faith. I struggled with finding a passion to want to know God more, but I did not want others to know this because of the fact that I was known as the person who “had it all together”. I avoided vulnerability to maintain what I held my identity in: Perfectionism.

Upon graduating high school I went to a Christian college. While I considered many factors when picking this college, the deeper reason I chose this path was because I felt that whatever I was missing in my faith, whatever made me often apathetic, could be “cured” by going to a Christian college. I was looking to fill a void. But instead, I found myself feeling lost and empty, as many freshman do. It was not after long that I decided to move back home and transfer to UW-Madison.

For anyone who knew me throughout any point in my college-making decision, this transfer decision was shocking. I had never wanted to go to a school in Wisconsin, and I never dreamed of attending a public university. But, despite my lack of actively listening for God’s voice, He still spoke to me and revealed this path to me and opened up all the right doors. At the time, however, I did not realize in what powerful ways God was about to move in my life.

After I had moved to Madison, a friend told me that I should join Cru, a Christian student org. I longed for community and wanted to join a Christian organization, so I went. It was after attending weekly meetings and getting to know students in this Christian community and hearing them talk about their faith that it all came crashing down on me. God revealed to me, clear as day, what I had been missing: A personal relationship with Jesus and the joy that comes from it. I had not fallen in love with Jesus, despite knowing Him for so long. I was treating my Savior like He was an obligation in my life that I occasionally wanted to impress and show off, instead of someone who died for my sins and paid my debts because He cares incredibly deeply for me. I was apathetic and okay with it for so long, and entering a community full of passion was the wake-up call God knew I needed in order for me to reorient my life and faith around what really mattered.

It took me many years to find out that Christianity cannot just be based around community; it is not about seeming perfect, and it cannot be grown just by being in the “right” environment. Christianity is about a relationship with Jesus, and this relationship requires communication, vulnerability, and a real desire to be with Him and follow His callings. This realization and personal relationship has not been a fix-all, however. I often still revert to the mindset of perfection and still try to lean on my own strength instead of surrendering it all to my Savior. But, now I know why I felt a void for so long, and I know that I do not have to be perfect, strong, or “have it all together” for my Savior to love me just as much as He did when He died on the cross for me. And it is in these truths, in God’s love and in our personal relationship, that I find comfort and joy.