Worthless is the one word I would use to describe how I felt growing up. For as long as I can remember, I never found myself worthy of anything. My parents got divorced when I was four and my family and I constantly fought. I had friends but I always felt like I was never enough for them or I didn’t fit in with them because I wasn’t as pretty or as skinny as them. As I got older, this feeling of worthlessness continued to grow and developed into severe panic disorder and depression.

In high school, I was one of those kids that was friends with everyone and involved in everything my school had to offer. I put my identity in the countless extracurriculars I was involved in and made sure everyone liked me. I thought if I didn’t get first in a competition or wasn’t the president of the club I was in, I wasn’t succeeding. I grew up in a Christian family, but for the most part, the only time I really paid attention to God was at youth group or when I was on a mission trip.

Skip to senior year of high school, which I thought would be the best turned out to be the worst. Like most seniors I couldn’t wait to graduate. But for the first month of school, I was on autopilot. I just went through one day after another not paying attention to anything, just wanting to be done. My anxiety and depression kept building up each day and I became so mad at God for letting me become so depressed that I would yell at Him on my way home from school or when I was in my room trying to hide my pain from my family. I kept all my feelings in until one day they got so built up that I hit rock bottom. I was at my lowest point in my life, feeling like I had no purpose, I felt so alone and worthless, and kept thinking everyone would be better off without me. I had completely grown away from God. One day after school, I was fed up with the pain tried to take my own life. I was at home alone, questioning everything, and having millions sinful thoughts running through my head, until my best friend showed up at my door. She could tell something was wrong and dropped everything and drove all the way from her house to make sure I was okay. If it wasn’t for God giving me her as a best friend, I don’t know if I would be here today. After that, I started going to therapy every other week, and it was sort of helping, but I knew I needed more. I started praying more to God to help me and give me strength, but I still felt so weak. Fast forward to graduation, I was super pumped to be done with high school and some of my anxiety began to go away. However, it was still something that was taking control of my life. I had multiple moments over the summer show me that God is with me and that I wasn’t alone, but there was still something missing and still occasional thoughts of worthlessness.

Coming into college, I didn’t know who I wanted to be or where I was going in life. I began praying a lot that God would send something my way to help me. Then I found Cru. I thought I knew everything there is to know about God and that I was strong enough in my faith. I started going to weekly meetings and I went to Fall Getaway and that’s when I started devoting more of my life to Christ, but I was giving all of it. I realized this at Cru Winter Conference, where I learned that I am worthy and loved and that God did not make a mistake with me. I have since then, fully surrendered my life to God and given Him all the control.

Ever since I 100% gave my life to God, I haven’t been happier. I still fall sometimes, and I am far from living a perfect life, but I’ve started looking at life with positive view and thanking God for everything. Looking back at all I went through, I wouldn’t change it, because in the end, it brought me closer to God and made me into a stronger person. If there’s anything I can leave you with, it’s that it does get better. I know it’s cheesy, but it’s so true. If you are struggling with depression or anxiety and have the same thoughts I did, know that those thoughts are from the devil and you are not those thoughts. There is so much out there for you in this world and God is only preparing you for the best. One of my favorite bible verses comes from Romans 8:18 and I think it sums this all up perfectly, “The pain you have been feeling, can’t compare to the joy that is coming.”