I grew up in a loving home with two parents who always taught me about the love of God. I have 6 siblings, 5 of which are adopted. So, I always had playmates and companions. The first half of my life set a firm foundation for my faith as my family placed God in the center of our home.

Struggles within my family, however, made my relationship with God grow distant. Growing up, one of my older sisters struggled severely with depression and attempted to take her own life when I was in middle school. Since I was young at the time, it is hard for me to explain exactly how I “dealt” with it, or if I understood anything that was going on. From then on, I can just remember my family going through one tough situation after another, and it caused a lot of heartache and division in my family. Most of us have been kind of numb to the things that have occurred because it has just felt like a constant battle that we cannot win.

I decided to focus on gymnastics. I lived and breathed that sport. I pretty much put it over everything including God and family. Gymnastics felt like the only thing that could satisfy me and make me happy, but really in the end it didn’t. I still had fear, anxiety, and loneliness in it. I never connected with anyone, and I just accepted it and blamed myself.

College is where my real relationship with God began and the somewhat understanding of what was going on in my life started. I longed for community rooted in God, and I was able to find that in college. The people I met, through Cru, helped me understand my life experiences and bring me closer to God. This was the turning point in my faith and has brought me to where I am.

Over the past year, I have begun to understand the popular question of “why does God allow suffering?” God doesn’t cause, make, or want bad things to happen to me or you all. He doesn’t want my or your families to struggle. All the world’s suffering is caused by our broken world of sin. I couldn’t see how God fit into what my family has been going through, but God has been there the whole time.

God is faithful. The song “Do It Again” has reminded me of that truth. It says, “you’ve never failed me yet,” and that promise, from God, will always stand true. It says the night won’t last. The hurdles Satan is trying to create for me, my family, and you won’t last. The battle will be won. God has been molding me into the Christian I am today. I understand that I need to be patient in suffering which is very hard. I’ve had to flee from a mistrusting and bitter attitude toward Christ. God is sovereign and has given us free will. He won’t intervene at every bad choice or trial that we go through because that would not be the free will that He promised us. Although I still don’t quite understand all that is going on in my life, I’ve learned and know that I will trust God through it all.