For most of my life I’ve had a strong desire to fit in. I have continually placed my identity in how well liked I am and how others see me. I started to believe from an early age that in order to gain someone’s love I would have to be a good friend, daughter, sister, student and the list goes on. I grew up going to church and learning about God but I was so focused on pleasing others that I started thinking I had to please God too. I fell into the trap that following the list of rules He set is how we gain His love. I was already trying so hard to get everyone else to like me. I didn’t want to try to get God to like me as well, so I pushed Him out of my mind completely.
When I came into my freshman year of college I still was living in fear of fitting in. I believed I needed to adapt to whoever I was surrounded by so that I could fit in. I followed along with what everyone else was doing because I wanted to be loved by them. This led me to quickly fall into the party scene & turn to alcohol to deal with my problems. People liked to go out drinking and I wanted to be liked by people so I went with them. Alcohol soon became my escape from all the pretending. It was easy for me to turn to it when I just couldn’t deal with the stress anymore. I thought I had found a safe place that made it possible for me to be myself, but it only lasted until the party ended and the alcohol wore off. Everytime I went out drinking I woke up the next morning full of regret and feeling emptier than before. I felt so lonely. Sure, I had spent the night before with lots of friends, but the next morning came and I felt like no one knew who I really was.
Things finally started to look up when I went to a weekend retreat that Cru puts on called Fall Getaway. This retreat gave me a weekend free of drinking, which helped me finally start listening to what God was saying to me. It was at this event that I heard the Gospel clearly for the first time. I learned that I am a broken person who can not save myself but that Jesus already came to save me. Through Him dying on the cross, I am already loved and forgiven. Even after understanding this in my head, I struggled to fully believe it.
It took me a while to grasp in my heart that I don’t have to do anything to earn this love. I had been so deeply rooted in doing things by myself to earn love, that pride stood in the way of me truly accepting the love of Jesus. It took me a few months of hearing from my bible study leader and roommate over and over again that God’s love is an underserved gift that we have because of Jesus.
Finally, on a Thursday night before fall semester finals, I was sitting at Cru when I heard a message about surrender. It was after hearing this talk that I realized in my head and in my heart that God’s love doesn’t need to be earned. His love is not based on the amount of good things that I do. Coming to this place made me realize I was ready to surrender my life to a loving and gracious God.
Now, my life didn’t magically get better after that moment. I’ve continued to struggle with pleasing others and getting caught up in what others think of me. But even when I’m in the midst of those struggles, I know that I still serve a God who knows me and loves me fully. I find freedom knowing my identity is not in what other people say of me but in what God says of me.
He says I am a chosen child of His who is loved, worthy, forgiven and beautifully made which is a truth I know I can stand in each day.