I grew up as an only child living in an average home in Fort Atkinson, WI. For the first 12 years of my life, my mom was a stay-at-home mom while my dad was an Active-Duty National Guard. As an Active-Duty National Guard my dad wasn’t around a lot, especially during elementary school because of two deployments. Growing up, I attended a church with my parents, where I was baptized, went to Sunday School, got confirmed, and went on five mission trips throughout my high school career. However, Christianity wasn’t the center of our home, so Church was the only place that I really heard about God and Jesus. Through every lesson at Church, I knew Jesus died for all, and if we believed, we would go to heaven and be with him forever.

When I was in 7th grade, I began getting bullied. The boy who picked on me would call me awful words, and eventually, he told me I should kill myself because I was a nuisance to the world. I believed him and had my first suicide attempt that same night but a voice kept telling me not to, so I didn’t go through with the attempt even though I was still so hurt. During this time, I began self-harming because it seemed to be the only way to get rid of the pain. The bullying continued for around two months, but it finally stopped when people at school began to notice I wasn’t acting like my bubbly self. That was the end of the bullying, but I still continued to feel worthless.

A year and a half later, my Grandma called and told my mom that my cousin was killed. After hearing this news, I became very angry. I was so angry at God for taking my cousin from this world. Within the next four years, I lost multiple people who were very close to me. I lost two of my Grandmothers, two uncles, one of my childhood best friends due to suicide, a classmate from a drinking and driving accident, a friend’s little brother, and another cousin through a drinking and driving incident. Needless to say, those years made me feel like a zombie, constantly wondering when the next death was going to hit my family.

As mentioned before, I went on five mission trips in high school. Through this, I got to know God more, but I was still angry at how many people He had taken away from me, so I never really saw how good He actually is. Coming into college from a town of 14,000 to a city of 247,000 rocked my world. I honestly thought my faith was strong from my last mission trip, but I was wrong. I was very lonely, and I only prayed when I needed God. When I saw an event written in chalk for free pizza with Cru on sidewalks around Edgewood’s small campus, something was telling me that I should go. The voice sounded familiar, it was the same voice telling me not to kill myself five years ago. That night, I met so many nice and friendly faces and even went to my first root beer kegger as odd as it sounds. During the first weekly meeting of the year at the UpperHouse, I had never been surrounded with so many people that have worshiped the same God and Lord at the same time. That night, we sang “Who You Say I Am,” and for some reason, the words “I am a Child of God” kept sticking out to me. I broke down crying when I realized that I have been loved forever, and I wanted God to take control of my whole life.

I still find myself having anxious and depressive thoughts from time to time, but I know that God will carry me through the dark. With Cru, I have learned so much, and I am beyond grateful that God has always been with me, even during hardships. I have learned that I am a child of God. I am accepted. I am loved, and I am not worthless.

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,” -Philippians 4:13