Performance has always been an issue in my life. Having parents who are immigrants and being the first generation of my family to be born in the United States has had its challenges. Growing up, I was raised with a constant need to perform in academics and in my family. My goal was to be the best and public perception was everything to me. I had to not only be a straight A student but also an obedient son and a positive role model for my younger brothers. I faced constant pressure both external and internal to be the best I could be in order to achieve the American Dream for my family.

My fears of failure and of not being enough are directly tied to my ethnic identity. Growing up I was raised with communal values. I understood that I represented more than myself. My success was my family’s success and failure on my part would bring shame not only to myself but to those around me. This fear of not being enough also translated into my relationships with my friends and with God. My fear of rejection and desire for acceptance manifested itself in simply just doing more. My answer would always be yes when a friend asked for help and I would constantly try to better my spiritual resume in order to please God and earn His favor.

Throughout my time in college, I came to understand and internalize the powerful truth that God loves me and accepts me regardless of my performance record. The beautiful message of the gospel is that I no longer need to perform because of the grace (free gift) of God which is found in Jesus Christ. Having grown in my walk with the Lord, I have come to experience powerful freedom in this area of my life. The internal voice in my head that says I have to perform and do more will always be there, but I now know that I am not defined by a letter I may receive on an exam nor am I defined by what other people think of me. My full identity is now found in the person of Jesus Christ because of His great love for me. I still work hard and strive for excellence but my motivation is no longer rooted in pursuing the American Dream nor in fearing what others may think of me. Because of my new identity, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.