Ungenuine. That is how I would describe my experience of faith growing up. Everything felt like a series of habits or routine, but all of it was a show.

My story started in a church going home, where I heard lots of bible stories, words from a man named Jesus, and the importance of God in a person’s life. I wanted to believe a message that God loves me, so as a kid I accepted these ideas, but with little to back them up. As a result, during my middle school and high school years I had this quiet voice in the back of my head wondering, ‘Have I done enough?’ God felt like a far off person, silently judging my actions, and he had a great poker face. Not knowing how he really felt about me, I tried all the harder to live a life full of obedience and achievement. I wanted to be involved in everything, and I wanted to be involved with everyone. I turned toward relationships with friends and physical relationships with women to provide affirmation that I was valued and loved. I had this two sided mentality of wanting to impress God through my performance, yet deeply needing love and not knowing how to get it. I was looking for someone to say “Yes, you are loved. Yes, you are enough.”

As you can imagine, not hearing that voice caused the pressure to build, that silent, fearful wondering if I am a lovable person at all. The summer before finishing high school I attended a christian youth conference, and despite all of my background at a church and hearing from the bible, it was at this conference that I finally met Jesus. I learned that when he died, he died for all my sin. All of it. He came to rescue me from past, present and future sins, if all I would do is trust that he is the one paying for my sin, rather than my own moral efforts to live a good life. I also learned that he isn’t a man from stories, but that he is still alive, still out there, and is willing to live his life through me, if I would just open myself up to him. I had a moment at the conference when I came to the end of myself, and said, “God, I finally realize you sent Jesus for me. You love me so much you sent him to die for my sin. Thank you for your forgiveness. I recognize you would be a better driver of my life, so I want you to steer from now on.”

So much has changed since making that decision to receive Christ. Where I once lived and acted out of fear, I can now live and act out of love and gratitude. I was so busy trying to be loved by others that I was unable to love others. Now, experiencing such full love from God, I can get outside of myself and genuinely care for people around me. Where I struggled for physical affection through a relationship or thoughts of fantasy, I actually have had God constantly reminding me how loved I am to the point where I don’t need to seek it through short term encounters.

Jesus’ death taught me that I am lovable. Not because I do the right things, or live by the right rules, but because he made me lovable the moment he traded my life for his. I started out unsure of whether God really loved me. How could I possibly doubt his love for me if he was willing to go through such pain and suffering for me? Where once his feelings toward me were hidden and removed, I realize now how proudly he looks at me as a son, with no sin between us any longer. The best part of all this is that my relationship with God is no longer ungenuine or contrived. It is real, and a privilege, to know the God of the universe.