For most of my life, I’ve felt very small. Not in the sense that I am physically. But over time, I’ve allowed my heart to believe that who I am isn’t worthy of unconditional love. Growing up as the second oldest of five children, I struggled to find acceptance and was willing to sacrifice my heart to feel like I belonged. Throughout middle school and the beginning of high school, I was deeply depressed. Eventually, I joined my school’s speech team my sophomore year. For the first time in my life, I felt empowered and noticed by my coaches and peers. Admittedly, the audience was forced to listen to me, but over time I became quite talented and received many accolades. I poured my worth into my performance in speech and based my value week by week on how I performed. An activity that served as my saving grace sophomore year turned into my personal misery by senior year.

Coming to college, my identity that I found in speech had been striped, and I felt more lost and worthless than ever. During the first week, I came across one of my good friends from middle school, named Hayley. We were both homesick, and she invited me to come with her to a Christian organization (Cru) volleyball tournament.
Immediately, I obliged, although I admit I did so more for the company. Growing up, I came from a rocky Christian household. Both of my parents were raised in the Catholic church, but only my mom still practiced her faith in private, since my father identified himself as agnostic. I had limited knowledge of what a Christian life entailed, but the invitation Hayley offered me was a blessing I never anticipated. At this gathering, I ended up signing up for a Bible study for the first time. It was the first meeting of this Bible study and the first Cru meeting that I committed my life to Christ.

A pastor at my church once said that when you let God into your life, you give Him full permission to mess it up. Since committing my life, I’ve witnessed unimaginable changes in my life. By growing closer to Christ, I’ve found myself among Godly women who validate my insecurities about worth and empower me with the knowledge of who God has made me to be and the truth that lies within that identity. Within my family, I’ve seen my mom open her heart to Christ and endeavor in a personal relationship with Him. I even found myself called to lead a Bible study this year, in which I’ve experienced Christ’s merciful love and grace within the women I lead in unfathomable ways.

There is no love like His. I’ve found my life is no longer mine, but Christ in me. Through this realization, I’ve felt my heartbreak over and over again, as my suffering has been used to shape my heart more like His. That being said, my decision to follow Christ has been a difficult journey, but each day I wake up with joy in my heart. For the first time I’m living for something bigger than myself. Him.