When I was growing up, my family went to church every Sunday, we prayed before big family meals at the typical holiday gatherings, and we talked about God, but that’s pretty much where my faith ended. When I was in 6th grade, I asked the Lord to come into my life and prayed, apologizing for my sins and asking him to make me into His “captivating masterpiece.” After that, I was very involved in church things, but I didn’t really know what it meant to walk with God daily and to grow with Him. I experienced the “spiritual highs” of mission trips and retreats throughout middle school and high school, but the passion faded within the days and weeks that followed. I was known as a Christian girl, and I knew a lot about God, but I didn’t deeply know God. I went to church and FCA and I read my Bible every other week, partially out of love for Him, but mainly due to my need to be the best and prove myself to others. I didn’t do things so much out of love and reverence as I did to check the boxes that I knew I was supposed to check. Being a “good” girl gave me a strong sense of pride and I spent a lot of time chasing my idea of perfection and fulfillment in order to be better than my peers. I rooted a lot of my identity in being a Christian and being moral and successful so I talked a lot about God to my friends and classmates but hid many of my faults and failures from them in a continual attempt to sustain my good image. I desired to be seen and to see myself above others and to be the best.

Mid-way through my senior year of high school the Lord began to really move in my heart and draw me ever nearer to Himself. I started going to a new church with a friend and gained a better understanding of the gospel. Over time, my love for God grew because He enabled me to more deeply understand that while I was dead in my sins and trespasses, while I was totally depraved and deserving of eternal punishment, God chose to bring me to life in Him by an act of pure grace. By sending Jesus to die on the cross, He took on my sins and died the death that I should’ve died, in order that I could spend eternity with Him.  And there isn’t anything that I did or could ever do to earn God’s favor. Through Jesus alone, I have the beautiful gift of knowing God.

These realizations helped me to see that my standing before God doesn’t rest on me. I began to find incredible joy in learning more about God’s irresistible love for me and how that love is all that will ever be enough; it surpasses any human approval or status. This led to me giving up more and more control to Him, slowly surrendering my ideas of success, beauty, and plans for my life. I started reading the Bible each day, not because I was “supposed to,” but because I wanted to know God deeper and experience His presence. It became clear that God wants so much more for me than what this world has to offer. I still struggle with seeking to be the best by worldly standards and gain approval from others. I have to continually remind myself of His truth, character, and authority. I am still human, so my natural tendency is to look at myself and seek to glorify myself, but it is God who deserves all the glory and honor and praise forever. When the Lord reorients my heart and fixes my gaze upon Him, I find rest in the truth that what Jesus did is sufficient, and that His affection for and approval of me is all that will ever give me perfect satisfaction.