Before Christ, I was a shy, disheartened individual. By the time I came into high school, my first assumption on of people was that no one liked me, that everyone thought I was annoying, goofy, boring, not-what-they-were-looking-for. I assumed people only wanted to spend time with others that could give them something, and since I felt worthless, I mostly kept to myself. I constantly assumed I was second best. This created a lot of resentment and bitterness inside me. I became angry at the world, and even if certain people reached out, when others let me down even just a little, I added another brick to my boundary wall. I didn’t allow the good I was experiencing to do anything, but I allowed the bad to affect everything.
Because of various reasons, for the vast majority of my life I’ve felt lonely.
Sometimes things happen in life because they are part of the agenda, and there’s nothing we can do about it nor foresee it. Other times, things happen because we did something to create a certain outcome. I’ve transferred colleges, moved to a city where I didn’t know many people, joined a new church, which all made me “new,” but that’s just how it was. But I have created situations that made me a bad friend. More than once. Loneliness has closely followed all of these events. I genuinely accepted the thought that I would never have true, lifelong friends. And while I told myself I was numb to it all, a small piece of me longed for a different life.
Like many others, I grew up attending my small, hometown church. I went to Sunday School, private middle school, Confirmation Class. My resume looked fairly good. But personally? I had no idea how to connect with God. I attended a handful of religious camps and retreats over the years where I experienced religious “highs,” and they were great, but the feelings never lasted. Then came my last semester of college, and I created a college “bucket list.” Because of nothing short of supernatural intervention, attending Cru ended up on that list. I asked some friends to attend with me, but like many other things, I attended alone. I was nervous, scared, and by the time I sat down by myself, as groups of friends reunited around me and asked about their days, I whispered to myself, “I don’t want to do this again.” That first night didn’t completely flip my life around, but little did I know the impact it had and the things I was witnessing for the first time.
I’m not sure who spoke, what the message was, or the songs we sang, but that first meeting I heard God spoken about and God spoken to in a way that I’d never experienced. While hearing for the first time about the possibility of a personal relationship with God was the highlight of the night, the second best was that one of the Cru interns saw me sitting alone, and she asked if she could sit next to me for the meeting. That was the first time I actively remember experiencing God’s love. A complete stranger sat next to me, sacrificed her time to ask me about myself at this event that no one knew me at, and quickly became a great friend. I not only learned of the Gospel, but I felt it, all in the same night.
As I attended weekly meetings and learned more about my Savior, sang worship like I had never heard it sung before, and grew in Christ and community, I saw a love and passion unlike anything I’d ever seen before. People were genuinely acting selfless, and it amazed me. I saw God through these people and knew that I needed that, and that I couldn’t try to do everything on my own anymore! I decided to lean into Christ and hand Him control.
Because I had failed in relationships with other girls, something that I had struggled with specifically throughout college was putting my identity in relationships with men. And because I was lonely and desperate to keep them around, I had given in to what I thought I had to do to keep them. My last tie to cut before fully accepting Jesus into my life was giving up my sexual sin. At Fall Getaway of 2018, I confessed to God what He already knew, that I wasn’t finding fulfillment in earthly relationships – romantic or friendly – and wanted to give my life over to Him. I said to myself that I would no longer participate in relationships based on sex or appearances – everything that the world teaches. It felt alien, but also felt freeing, it felt more honest, and felt so RIGHT.
After Christ, I have learned so much about how to live out my faith. I began from the bottom, aiming to live with Christ at the center. It changed loneliness to contentment, pride to humility, and hopelessness to complete and confident reliance in God’s plan. I used to worry about everything and assume the worst; now I know that God’s plan is perfect and even if I’m being tested, testing produces perseverance!
Because of Christ and the love He has for me, I know that I am never truly alone. Now, because of Christ,
I’m not afraid to talk about the source of my joy and I no longer seek identity in romantic or friendly relationships. Throughout my entire life, not for a moment was I forsaken. He turns mourning into dancing. He turns shame into glory. He turns graveyards into gardens.
“If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.” – Matthew 16:25