Some of my best memories growing up are from church. As a kid always wanting to put out the candles in my Sunday school classroom, running into the big community room for donuts once we were let out, and, as I got older, heelying down the halls with my best friends and late-night study sessions in the coffee shop. I could have told you all the stories about Noah’s Ark and Adam and Eve in the garden, and from the outside, it looked like I had it all together. I went to church, worshipped God, led a Bible study, had great community, and hung out with my Christian friends.
But on the inside, I was struggling. I hadn’t found my ‘thing’, the thing that defined who I was. For my friends it was soccer or school or popularity, but I didn’t have any of that. I felt like I wasn’t worth any of the space I walked into, and thus I believed the lie that I had to earn my worth and importance to others and to God. I believed I was only worthy in school if I was getting the best grades in the class. I believed I was only important to my Bible study if I had it all together. I was only good enough for my friends if I was the best, most loving one.
I constantly did everything I could to go above and beyond so others would see me as worthy, which caused me a lot of anxiety. I studied for hours on end to earn good grades and berated myself for anything less than perfect. I faked smiles and peace with God in my Bible study so nobody would know how much I was struggling. I strove to be the perfect friend, so that I was the most valued, and if I said or did the wrong thing, I mulled it over in my mind for hours wondering how much my friend would hate me after. All I wanted was to be enough, to be approved of, and I looked to others to get that. My constant efforts to earn my place ended up driving wedges between me and my friends, and most importantly, me and God. My head knew that looking for approval from other people would never satisfy me, but my heart just kept on searching.
This past summer I had my last service at the ministry I had called my second home for all of high school. It was a tear-filled last day and as I was leaving the church I ran into one of the pastors who worked there. She called my name, I turned around and she gave me a huge hug, and told me “Claire, we love you so much. And God loves you so much. But not for all of the wonderful things you do- just because of who you are.” It felt like the perfect ending to a movie, just the right line at the right time that hit me straight in the heart. I don’t know how to explain it, but in that moment the truth of the Gospel slapped me in the face. Out of His love for the world, God sent His perfect, blameless son to die for us on the cross, and to take our sins and our fears along with Him. But more than that, Jesus rose again to conquer death, giving us all eternal life- and nothing we can do disqualifies us from that love. God doesn’t care if I get the best grades, if I have it all together, or if I’m the best and most loving friend. He loves us all equally regardless of our shortcomings, our mistakes, and our disbelief! All the time I spent searching to be filled with worth and importance in school and with my friends kept me from realizing that I am worthy simply because God says I am, in Genesis holding his creation of man and woman in the highest regard. There isn’t anything we have to do to earn God’s love, because we already have all of it.
The heart knowledge of God’s love has changed so much about my motivations and how I view my worth. I definitely still struggle with anxiety about school and friends, and it’s taken a lot of time and work in my relationship with God and with myself to minimize. But all of the hard work has been completely worth being able to rest in the knowledge that none of it defines who I am. Even if I fail all of my classes or have questions or fears about God’s will, I’m not excluded from God’s love- because there’s nothing we can do to outrun Him.